It all began on December 1st.

She set next to the window, staring out of the dizzingly warm classroom into the white world ahead of her. The snow was about 10 centimeters high and steady little snowflakes lay down on it constantly while the weak winter sun already stopt bothering.
'Just like me' Ilea thought bitterly.
She wished to just stare at the falling snow for ever, to loose herself in her own blank mind, but that was the moment the teacher entered the room - followed by Ilea's future disasters. Only that she didn't know that yet. For now, the two unknown faces meant a nice distraction from the one she tried to black out despiratly, which was fairly impossible seeing as the someone owning that face set only two desks away from her.
Catching herself gazing into that exact direction, she qiuckly brought her attention to the front again where the teacher now introduced the new ones as siblings Till and Sam, who had just moved here from Minehead, and told the class to be nice to them.
She then instructed Sam to sit in the front row and Tll - oh wonder - to take the newly free seat next to Ilea.
He set down, friendly grin on his face and seemingly oblivious to her current state of emotion - or rather leck of emotion.
"Hi, I'm Till. Nice to meet you"
"Yeah, I heard your name. I'm not deaf" she said, barely looking at him before turning her head to the window again, away from all the faces, all the smiles, all the voices.
But she felt his gaze on the back of her head and even though she tried to ignore him she already felt guilty about her mean introduction. That guy hadn't done anythng after all.
So she looked at him.
"I'm Ilea. Sorry, you just caught me on a bad day"
"Really? I didn't even notice" he answered ironically but the smile he still wore on his lips made it seem more like an understanding than an offensive response so she did her best to smile back and then went back to watching snow fall onto snow and cover the dirty, mean world with a blanket of mindless lies.

December 2nd

When Ilea entered the classroom the next day, her boots sprinkled with ice crystals and her fingertips frozen, she immediatly saw Till siiting on the seat next to hers with two big coffee-cups and that old grin. She trudged over there, trying to pass the desk in the middle of the classroom without looking and fell into her chair with a supressed 'Uff' because she still couldn't keep her eyes from gazing over - just to see that idiot talking to Sam while she played with her long black hair and smiling a smile even prettier than her brother's.
Iles rolled her eyes while taking out her books but stopped when she realized Til's inquisitive look.
"What?" she asked, her voice a mix of annoyance and amusement that seemed to wake him from his trance.
"Still in a bad mood?" he asked without answering her previous question.
"A bit" Now Sam was laughing and putting her hand on his shoulder.
"I thought so. That's why I bought you a hot chocolate as well - to warm your heart" his friendly smile turned into a wide smirk while Ilea's face looked as if he'd told her to go camping in the snow tonight.
"What? Did noone ever bring you a drink?" the amusement in his eyes grew even wider and he obviously did his best to not just laugh at her reaction.
"Well, yeah...but not some guy I've just met the day before"
"So you don't want it?" he asked raising an eyebrow and taking back the hand that held her cup a bit.
That's when she finally got over her surprise and let out a small giggle.
"I'd never say no to hot chocolate" and after having taken it from him she added "Thanks"
"My pleasure" and their cups met to cheer each other before taking the first sip of the warm liquid.
"So" he continued, the curious look having returned to his face "why are you so grumpy? Is it just the freezing weather or do you have an actual reason to question a free drink?"
She smiled but couldn't resist looking over his shoulder again. Of course he noticed and turned around to see Sam talking to a guy with broad shoulders, brown hair and an mischivious smile on his lips.
"My sister?" Till drank his chocolate while waiting for Ilea to return her attention to him and explain, which she did after having watched the scene behind him for a bit longer.
"No, not really. I don't know your sister, it would be stupid to be pissed because of her, wouldn't it?" she tried to make it sound like a joke but Till just raised an eyebrow again and indicated for her to continue.
"Well...." she looked at her cup, took a deep breath and locked eyes with Till again
"That guy she's talking to....That's Josh. My ex. I won't go into any detail but maybe you should warn your sister not to fall for him." she drank her chocolate, trying to ignore his curious eyes.
"Because you would be envy?" he finally broke the silence.
"No" her laugh sounded bitter "No, I don't give a damn about Josh anymore" this wasn't completely true but she guessed that Till knew that "but it could be bad for Sam to be with him"
Now Till looked rather confused so Ilea took another deep breath before finally saying:
"He cheated on me. Twice."

December 3rd

"Of course they are flirting! Look at them!"
They sat at their desk, latte machiato in one hand, Ilea's selfmade 'Sorry-I-was-so-mean'-cookies in the other and pretended to be talking about the blizzard going on outside while Ilea constantly gazed over Till's shoulder.
"I thought you said I wasn't allowed to turn around? How am I supposed to look at them then?" He didn't even try to tell her that Sam and Josh might just be talking because that's exactly what he has been trying to tell her for the last ten minutes but she didn't even listen. Instead he enjoyed the sight of her annoied expression in front of the dancing snowflakes at the window. He sighed when she didn't react and gave it one more shot :
"My sister really isn't one for flirting with just any guy. She is however one for being totally into sports and willing to talk about that all the time - and the way your ex looks they seem to have that in common"
He gave her an apologising smile because she winced a bit at the word 'ex'.
Of course Ilea knew that he was right, Josh really was a sportsman and a really firendly guy as well - that is when he wasn't an idiot - so it was completely normal for him to talk to the new girl that liked sports. And it wasn't Sam's fault that she looked absolutely stunning with her dyed black her, light green eyes and trained body. But still - did she have to touch his arm every time he made a joke? Did she have to smile that pretty smile?
Being buried deeply in her thoughts, she jumped and nearly spilled her drink when Till waved his cookie-hand in front of her face. "Hello?"
Ilea gave him a look as if waking up after a ten-year-nap, her brain needing some time to get back into reality and realise that he probably had asked her something.
"Yeah...eem...what?"
The blue iced cookie made its way over Till's smirking lips so that Ilea had a longer to break her gaze on the laughing pair in the middle of the classroom.
"I said you should come with us" said his crispy voice.
Seeing her total confusen, he rolled his eyes and added : "Christmas shopping. Sam and I are going christmas shopping after school and you should join us to get to know her a bit better. You'll find that she isn't that bad after all"
She took a sip of her latte machiato and thought about the offer but judging by Till's satisified grin she probably didn't have much of a choice.

So - four hours later - Ilea found herself holding a new cup of hot chocolate while waiting for Sam to get her own drink from the barista. Of course she noticed Till looking at her curiously, trying to figure out if the first conversation between the two girls already worked its wonders. But Ilea wouldn't dare to admit that Sam actually seemed really nica and interested in Ilea and not at all bitchy in any way...
When Sam finally got hold of her chai latte the three of them hurried through the cold wind into a big shopping centre that greeted them with warmth and the smell of cinnamon spiced chocolate.
since Ilea didn't plan on buying anything in specific she left the command to the twins and followed them into the local Waterstones where Till hoped to find a book about dogs for their mother.
"She always wanted a dog but das said they were too loud and too expensive. So I'm guessing now's the time for her to fullfill that wish, isn't is?" he explained, strolling along the shelfs, stopping every now and then.
It has only been yesterday that Ilea has asked him why he and Sam had to change schools in the middle of the year and has learned that their parents had just got devorced after which the twins have moved to London with their das while their mum took a year off to travel through africa - another forbidden dream of hers.
Till seemed to handle all these changes quite well but when Ilea looked over to Sam she saw a sudden sadness in her eyes that she tried to hide by picking up a book about the relation between dogs and wolfs.
"I'm sorry about your parents. It must be really strange for you." at first Ilea was just as surprised about her words as Sam but then she realised she really meaned it and so she stepped closer to Sam and gave her an apologising smile.
Sam smiled back and then, her gaze on Till who had found his book on the other end of the shelf, whispered : "He only pretends not to care. I think he wants to be strong for me. But I think he really hates our parents for what they did"
There was a long silence before Sam walked up to her brother and left Ilea feeling horrible for ever judging her.

The rest of the day was spent sharing family stories and christmas gift ideas, buying dozens of flavoured hot drinks and laughing about the worst shop-window-decorations.

December 4th

It haid been about five minutes ago that Ilea had entered the classroom and passed the desk in the middle with a small greeting to Sam who had taken her usual place on Josh's desk with whom she seemed to be discussing the formation of their local basketball team during the last game.
since then she had been watching the two while waiting for Till to finish his homework so that he could distract her. She had tried watching the snowflakes instead but all she saw was the blurry reflexion of her own sad exes in the window.
However, when Sam threw her head back laughing at Josh's impression of one of the players she just couldn't stand it any longer. Without any word of warning she stood up, passed the irritated Till and walked over to Josh's desk, eyes darted on Sam who turned to face her when Josh stopped smiling.
"Ilea! What's up?" her voice was full of joy, oblivious to the tention around her. Ilea simply took her hand and said "Could I talk to you for a sec?", unable to ignore the threatened look on Josh's face indicating that he had guessed what was about to happen. Sam on the other hand still had no idea and amiled while follwing Ilea out of the classroom.
"What is it?" she asked as soon as the door closed behind her.
"Well...okay, I don't really know how to say this without sounding like a horrible person...soo..."
she stopped, trying to avoid Sam's questioning stare while still searching for words.
"Okay" she breathed out and looked up to lock eyes with Sam.
"It's about Josh. i think it's be better for you to stay away from him"
The change of emotion was slow, as if Ilea's words had pressed a button to slow down time, and she saw how curiousity became surprise which turned into blankness.
"Why?"
"You see, we were a couple - and yes, I know, this sounds as if I were jealous. But I'm not! It's not that...It's just that..that he." Sam stared at her, waiting for a reason.
"He cheated on me. And I thought you should know this before falling for him"
She had her head down, for some reason ashamed of her behaviour.
She had done the right thing, didn't she?
Of course she did! She only wanted to protect Sam. Josh had cheated on her and he would hurt Sam the same way.
Her inner argument was interrupted by the sound of a giggle that made her look up abruptly, seeing the girl she thought to have surprised with a big grin on her lips.
"Oh, Ilea, I'm sorry!" she laughed. "I'm really sorry he hurt you, but I'm not falling for him"
And after catching her breath she added more seriously :
"Listen. I respect that you don't want anything to do with him. I wouldn't either if I were you. And I know that by telling me you only meant well. But I have no intention on dating Josh and as far as I'm concerned he seems to be a really funny guy so I will continue talking to him. I hope we two can still be friends non the less?"
ilea only nodded, her reaction about half a minute too late but enough to vanish Sam's concerned expression.
"Great" was her last word before she stroke Ilea's arm and then went back into the classroom.
'That went very different from what I expected'

December 5th

She was walking down the hallway on the way to her last class of that day, her mind already filled with to-do-lists for the afternoon, when a familiar voice called her name.
For a moment she concidered ignoring him and escaping into one of the empty classrooms along the aisle but firstly he'd know that her next session was at the other end of the building and secondly she couldn't help but wanting to hear what he'd have to say after over a week of silence between them, so she stopped and turned around.
Josh sprinted towards her, his face angry, his steps energetic. He clearly didn't come to apologise.
"What were you thinking?" he shouted from a few meters away.
That took Ilea by surprise. So much so that she nearly laughed out loud at how absurd this situation was - her ex, the one that had been cheating on her, accusing her of...well, what was he accusing her of?
She found out when he stood directly in front of her and said furiously :
"Why did you tell Sam about our breakup?"
The fact that he couldn't even say the word 'cheating' out loud nearly made her laugh again but then the anger took control of her and she took a step towards him, into his personal space, answering with a calm voice but fire burning in her eyes :
"You cheated on me. You are the one to blame. And I have every right to tell everyone what you did to me, especially the girl that might just become your next victim"
That representation of him as a criminal seemed to hit a spot, his expression weakening for a second, but the anger remained and so he hissed "I know what I did. But sam is not a victim and neither is anyone else. Sam is however crazy enough to think that I have some stupid emotional issue"
He looked at her as if he tryed to engrave his next words directly into her mind.
"I am sorry for hurting you. I really am. But we both know that I'm not a bad person. And you just destroyed my chance of having at least one person in this class who doesn't judge me for one dumb mistake"
Ilea blinked her eyes, surprised by the pure emotion behind his words.
Then she turned around to get to her classroom, hearing Josh shout "You are no better than I am" after her before his steps faded away into the opposite direction.

December 6th

'Sometimes you gotta bleed to know that you're alive and have a soul'
- Tear in my heart,twentyonepilots

The voice screaming out of her music station filled the room, drowning the sound of falling teardrops in its rythm. She has been listening to the same CD for the three hours now, her body numb from the loud beats, her sad mind emptied by the repitition. It was nice not to feel, to just lay on her bed and let the melonchaly wash over her while passively realising that her cheeks were wet.
At one point her mother had entered the room but she hadn't complained about the volume or tried to lighten her daughter's mood but simply had put a plate with mashed potato on Ilea's bedside table - were it still stood, the food cold and untouched - and had told her that she'd be off to work.
Ilea had heard the car drive away, leaving the rest of the house empty and silent.
The song reached its end and she awaited the next one to quieten her thoughts when a loud bang on the door appeared instead.
Even though her first instinct was to just stay in bed until the visiter left, she also knew that the loud music must have revealed her presence so she lazily made her way out of her nest of blankets, trotted over to her desk to turn of the player and went downstairs.
She probably should have attempted to make herself look a bit more presentable - pyjamas, frizzy hair and red eyes weren't that much of a good look on her - but she couldn't be bothered so she just opened the way she was. Only to close it immediatly when seeing a trained, brown-haired boy standing outside with a raised hand in the process of nocking again.
From one second to the other she felt her previously numb heart beat incredibly fast, blood rushing through her ears and making everything sound unbearably loud - including Josh's attempts to make her open the door one more time.
Instead she ran upstairs, turned up the music even louder then before and fell face-first onto her bed, her cussions sooked with tears the moment she touched them.

December 7th

Her mind was a war zone, her thoughts batteling each other and givng her a bad headache.
Part of her simply wanted to forget the whole saturday - the burning eyes, the unexpected visiter, the sleepless night - but another part could hit herself in the face for closing the door.
She had spent the greater part of the night wondering abut what he might have said if only she would have listened.
And, since she had not come to a satisfying answer, the wondering continued for the sunday morning until she couldn't stand the pain in head and chest any longer and walked down to the living room in to find a distracting family member.
Instead she was greeted with the smell of crossants and a little note letting her know that her parents were off for grocery shopping.
'Great' she thought to herself . Normally a free house would have been a welcomed surprise but in this articular situation the silence filling the empty rooms anly gave more space for her thoughts and that was something she really needed to change.
So she took two croissants with jam and sat down in front of the tv. The sunday afternoon programm wasn't neccesairilyinteresting but it kept her attention away from Josh - at least for a while.
After about an hour f mindlessly watching everything the black box in front of had to offer she realised that her feet had went numb and that she already knew who had murdered that drug dealer. She turned off the TV, immidietly being drowned by the unbearably loud silence again.
She picked up her phone and called Till with the intention to offer showind him around London, but he didn't pick up and so she ended up muttering "Hey, just me, nothing improtant2 on his mailbox brfore turning the TV back on and letting the detective know that all his guesses were wrong.

December 8th

The snow was still falling constantly, its white body covering the benches outside. It was the most snow they have had in ages and it seemed as if noone was prepared for it.
Ilea was sitting on her desk, legs loosely swinging back and forth while she stared out of the window which was framed by frozen crystals. The seat next to her was yet empty as well as the space on Josh's desk - Till and Sam were running late.
She had her back turned to the classroom to get the full picture of dancing white, so when she heard steps coming closer she simply guessed it would be Till.
Only when the chair wasn't being moved did she turn around and saw Josh standing there awkwardly, playing with the neckless-thingy on his jeans like she had senn him doing it so many times when they were still together.
The first time she had noticed that nervous tick of his was when he had asked her out, the second time on their first date - and the third time when he had told her he loved her.
Now he was standing in front of her, looking at her in an unsecure manner, before stepping a bit closer and letting go of the neckless.
"Hi" he said.
"Hi" she answered, trying her best to sound indiffirent.
"How are you?" his smile was forced, his voice shaky.
"Good"
She didn't ask how he was - she didn't want to know.
"Great...that's...that's good"
She knew that he knew better. He had seen her on saturday after all, if only for a few seconds.
"Eh...listen, about the other day"
He must have realised the shock in her eyes thinking he wanted to talk about how she slammed the door in front of him, so he quickly added :
"Friday, that is"
Awkward silence.
"I didn't mean to shout at you. I'm really sorry about that. I was angry at you but I had no right to say the things I said and I just wanted you to know that I really didn't mean it."
His eyes were full of hopw, full of trust in her good soul to forgive him so that he didn't have to take the burden of guilt and she nearly told him not to worry about it - but she just couldn't quite do it.
"Okay" was all she said instead, praying that it would be enough for him to leave her alone.
It looked as if he wanted to add something, to ask what that meant, to beg for more; but that was the moment Till and Sam walked in and, seeing the two ex-lovers at the window, they quickly went over there to prevent any loud and hurtful argument.
"Hey, what's up?" Till asked as soon as he was close enough to their desk and Ilea's released expression supported him in his decision to help her out of this situation.
He sat down on his chair and immediatly started telling her about his weekend while Sam took Josh's arm and walked him back to his desk, giving Ilea an understanding smile over her sholder.
"Thank you" Ilea breathed out, getting down from the desk to sit on her chair as well.
"No problem. What did he even want?"
She considered telling him, but that would also mean talking about their fight and her aweful weekend, so she just shrugged and answered :
"Not really sure"
Till looked at her as if he wanted to say someting but then he silently returned to getting out his books.

December 9th

Sam, Till and Ilea were walking down a snowy aisle, handy stuck deeply into their pockets, faces hidden under scarfs and woolen heads to safe themselves from the cold wind that kept the snowflakes dancing in the air.
They were on their way to the christmas market that had just opened in the city.
As soon as they came to the end of the aisle they were surrounded by the smell of waffles and hot punch and the sound of children dragging their parents towards the booths selling cotton candy.
The whole place was brightened by a few dozen fairylights and a gigantic christmas tree in the middle that was decorated with red stars and hundret fake candles.
The three teenagers went to get themselves some hot chocolate first before walking along the little booths which were filled with wooden decore, colorful hats, shiny jewelery and all kinds of christmas gift ideas. they stoped every now and then, showing each other some especially beautiful objects or laughing about rather funny creations.
All along they chatted about school and friends and habbies, never having to deal with awkward silences as one of them always found a new topic.
At one point they somehow came to talk about Josh but Ilea was too happy at that moment to fall back into angry sadness so easily.
"Well, he has been a pretty good boyfriend for the first year" she admitted, tired of always having to deal with the bad part of their realtionship lately.
"He was a good listener and amazing with small gestures like bringing me flowers or quoting my favourite books"
Sam seemed surprised at these sudden friendly words but couldn't keep a smile from creeping up her lips "So you don't hate him?" She asked hopefully.
Ilea rolled her eyes before answering:
"I honestly don't know how to feel about all this. It's like the guy cheating on me wasn't really him, you know?"
Sam didn't seem to understand, nodding none the less, but Till thought about what she had said for a moment and said :
"Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I've had a simmilar feeling with my first boyfriend, too. We had only been together half a year but when he broke up woth me I could tell it wasn't really his decision..."
His eyes were empty, gazing into the far distance, as if wanting to look back into the past.
After a moment though his mind snapped back to reality and he gave the girls a sad grin, adding :
"Turned out his dad gave him a hard time about being with a guy"
Sam just nodded, obviously already knowing about this, but Ilea looked at him with interest and carefully asked :
"Eh, sorry Till if this question is stupid but...if you had a boyfriend...does that mean you are gay? or bi?"
She felt weird asking such a personal question but she just coudn't help but wondering.
She really hoped he didn't take it the wrong way.
Thankfully, he didn't. He simply smiled at her while answering :
"No, not really. I'm pansexual"
She smiled back, relieved about his positive reaction, but at second thought she had to speak again:
"I'm really sorry...I'm afraid I don't know what that means"
Her heart felt as heavy as stone and she began to bite her lip nervously because how ignorant she suddenly seemed. How could it be that she didn't know this?!
Till however just shorly laughed. "Yeah, I get that a lot, don't worry. It basically means that gender doesn't matter in love because I'm solely attracted to the personality of someone"
"Oh, okay. That sounds quite romanti, I like that. And sorry again"
He opened his mouth but that was the moment Sam called them over to one of the next booths to look at a pair of golden earrings, so he simply smiled at her again and together they walked over to his sister.

December 10th

It was a shockwave of silence.
A tsunami she couldn't see yet but only feel, its building up reflected in the terrified eyes of her conterparts who had stopped mid-sentence to gaze over her sholder.
She knew it was bad. She didn't want to turn around. She wanted to just continue their amusing conversation and ignore the storm behind her.
But eventually she gave in to the tempting wisper of curiousity and slowly turned her head.
At first she didn't even realise it, wondering what her friends might have been so shocked about, only sseing Josh and two of his basketball collegues talk about their next game.
But then it hit her.
The purple mark at his neck, only half covered by his wide jumper.
It was a slap in the face. A punch right into her stomach, letting her breath out loudly and snap her head back immediatly to not have to look at it any longer.
A hickey.
He had a hickey! A fat, bright, gigantic hickey! how could he dare come to school with this - without even covering it properly - only a week after the whole class had found out why the two have broken up?! Wasn't he the one who didn't want to be judged? Didn't he say he was sorry for hurting her? Well, this surely didn't help.
"Shit" Till's hoarse voice broke the tensed silence.
"Yeah. Shit" Ilea repeated.
"I...eh, I'm gonna leave you two to this" he said, giving her a pitifull look, before turning away to - very unconvincingly - focus on his math notes.
"He's not really good at this kind of stuff" Sam whispered apologeticly while putting an arm around Ilea and offering her chai latte.
"You wanna tell me how much of an asshole that idiot is?"
"Nah...not really....although he really is an absolut pain" she tried to laugh at this but it came out as more of a cry. "I think I'd rather just empty your chai and hope that noone noticed"
And so she did.

December 11th

"Can you believe it?"
She didn't even give Till time to say hello before voicing her anger, which had been building up inside of her while she had waited for someone to support it, to feed that flame in her heart.
"Can I believe what?"
Oh. That was new. Till sounded annoyed...maybe even bitter...
He didn't even give her his sleepy little side grin as a greeting.
"Are you in a bad mood?" She asked concerned. Seeing him with such a sad expression - sholders down, eyebrows together, lips in a thin line instead of a wide laugh - seemed so unnantural that she totally forgot about her own problems for a moment.
In response he only shot her an emty glare - the first time he looked at her that morning - and mumbled something about his dad before sitting down and repeating :
"So, can I believe what?"
Ilea wondered about him for a bit longer,, but then decided to let him have his ba day like everyone else since he obviously didn't want to talk about it.
"He isn't here!" She began to explain instead, her anger up to a 100% withing speaking the first word.
"Yesterday he dared to come to school with a....with that! And now he doesn't come at all!"
"Maybe he's sick" Till interupted her furious rant.
She looked at him as if he had just stapped her in the back.
"What?" came his emotionless response "It's damn cold out there. Everyone's getting sick"
"No!" She wouldnt let his grumpy mood destroy her chance of an emotional outburst.
"No, he was totaly fine yesterday! He's just a little coward who can't even stand up to the consequences of his own stupid behaviour! He'd rather hide at home and wait 'til everyone likes him again!"
Her face was red and she clenched her fists.
"If you say so"
Till's indifferent reaction somehow made all of her build up feelings disappear with a small 'puff'.
"Yes" She answered rather weakly and let herself fall down onto the chair next to him.

December 12th

The next morning, Ilea came into the classroom to find Till already at their desk - and next to him a helpless Sam, trying to cheer him up.
He had been in his bad mood for the rest of yesterday, his sunshine smile didn't even return when their last class got cancelled and they all had abig snowballfight instead. He had only been sitting on a bench a bit further away from the group and listening to music.
And as it seemed, today wouldn't be any better.
Ilea sighed before walking up to her friends. What was wrong with him? What had happened?
"Good morning sunshine" She smiled, sitting down on the desk in front of Till.
Nothing. Not even a grin.
"Sam, didn't you bring our little snowman here a hot chocolate to warm his heart?" She asked, remembering his reaction to her bad mood a week ago.
"No, didn't let me stop at any coffee shop"
Sam didn't sound annoyed at her brother, but rather surprised and...defeated by how bad it really was. Ilea shot her a symphathic look before turning back to Till.
"Well, then it's clear why you're so grumpy. Here, take a bit of mine"
But he didn't even notice the cup held towards him. Instead he looked her dead in the eyes and said:
"Could you please stop cheering me up? You've got enough problems yourself and I'll be alright"
At first she didn't know how to respond to that.
Then she shrugged and answered : "Might be. But nobody gets left behind, you know?"
And with a grin to Sam she added : "Right Sam?"
"Right" Came the overly enthuthiastic answer.
"Right" Ilea repeated, holding her cup up to Tills face again who rolled his eyes but couldn't hold back a small smile while taking the cup and drinking the hor liquid.
"So, what are we doing tomorrow?" She asked, happy to have brought her friend back to life.
But at the mentioning of the  weekend his face hardened again and he put down the cup saying :
"I've got plans"
Ilea looked helplessly at Sam who just shrugged and sighed.

December 13th

Her music was on the loudest volume again.
But this time she wasn't crying, she wasn't numb or in pain - this time she was sitting on her bed in front of a big box and a small bin while mouthing along the words of  the song.
She was looking at pictures.
Their pictures.
And there were quite a few after one and a half years of relationship and a previous year of good friendship.
Photos of them looking at the camera or at each other, photos of interwined hands, photos of brown eyes and pink lips, of stolen kisses and lazy cuddles.
They were all in there.
After the breakup she hadn't been able to throw them away, so instead she had just put them all into this black box that had been waiting under her bed ever since.
Now she felt ready.
She didn't plan on throwing them all away. The one of their first kiss was already glued into her diary and she wanted to add some others to look back at her first ever realtionship one day.
But the bin was already filled with the ones she couldn't stand watching, the ones were Josh had kissed her without warning and she hadn't even realised the camera until it was too late.
She didn't want to keep those.
Her mother came in with a plate of cookies, probably expecting to see her in the same state as the previous weekend. When she found her upright in her bed and actually doing something she tuned down the music a bit and set down next to her, a hand on her sholder but not saying a word.
That's the good thing about parents : as annoying as they might be, sometimes they just know to be quiet.
They set like this for a while, Ilea continuing to rip the pictures apart and her mother just watching her, until Ilea said : "He's got a new one"
And her mother held her while the tears came back again.

December 14th

It was a quiet day, the streets still full of snow and therefore relatively empty of christmas shoppers.
Which was why ilea had decided to wrap herself in scraf and head to get some last presents in town.
She walked down the main shopping road, trying to avoid the crowded christmas market place but still enjoying the fairylights brightening up the street and filling the shop windows.
Not really sure what exactly she was looking for since she only needed some small presents for relatives they'd visit on christmas eve, she simply trotted along with the few other people surrounding her, occasionally stopping to stroll through a shop or get herself a new hot drink.
After about two hours of walking from one store to another and then back again, Ilea had freezing cold feed and a bag of four presents for others and two for herself.
On her way to the bus stop she stopped at a small coffee shop she didn't visit often but that was decorated with a little christmas tree, golden stars hanging from the ceiling and candles giving the rather small room a cozy feeling that invited Ilea to come inside to warm her hands with a cup of spicey tea.
She went inside and found a desk with two chairs at the front window where she let her bags fall onto one chair and herself onto the other before taking of her head and looking at the menu.
It smelled of hundrets of different teas, fruity and spices, black tea and coffee combined with the slight scent of apple pie.
When the barista came Ilea ordered a blueberry tea with sugar.
Then she began to look at the people around her, to study their faces, to watch their eyes when they listened to their counterparts.
There were old couples, mothers with their children, groups of friends at every age.
Ilea was happy seeing them all together.
But at the sight of the two people sitting right at the back of the room she nearly jumped of her chair.
There, in the quiet dimm of the shop, facing each other and talking exitingly, set Josh and Till.
She breathed in sharply.
Then she reacted abruptly, getting off of her chair and taking her bags.
They couldn't see her.
Whatever they were doing here, whyever Till was talking to Josh - she couldn't deal with this right now.
Before she left she heard the barista shouting after her but she closed the door and ran the few meters to the next bus stop, only allowing herself to breath properly again when she set down on one of the old, dirty benches at the back of the bus.

December 15th

Okay
what now?
Talk about it or not?
Ilea stood next to the classroom door, thinking about how exactly she should behave towards Till.
Even though she had been trying to figure this out since yesterday afternoon, she still hadn't come to a clear solution and so now, immediatly beofre it was inevitable to face him, she started to panic.
Of course she knew that she should ask him about the events first, but she just felt so angry, so betreyed.
"Ilea" She jumped as someone called her name from the end of the hallway.
Sam.
Shit. She hadn't even considered the possibility of the two not being inside yet - and now they were alking up to her, both with their wide smiles and no worries about what was on her mind.
"Sam, hi"
And that was the moment she spontaneously decided to simply ignore Till who gave her a raised eyebrow for the missing greeting.
The three of them went inside, Ilea asking Sam about her weekend while Till trotted after them.
"Okay, did I miss something?" He finally asked about seven minutes later when the girls were still chatting without including him into any of their conversation even though he set directly next to them.
Sam reacted with her typical oblivious expression and Ilea tried to do the same but he stared at her accusingly.
"Is this some sort of punishment for my bad mood last week?"
"What?! No, of course not!"
She felt guilty but clinched to the image of him listening interstedly to her ex in the coffee shop.
"Well, good, because - in case you've forgotten - I dodn't say a single bad word about your own moods, did I now?"
His voice had gotten louder while he spoke so Ilea tried her best to stay calm.
"As I said, I'm not bitter about a few bad days. That happens to everybody."
"Then what are you bitter about?" He questioned, looking her dead in the eye.
"About you and Josh" It slipped out loudly.
For a second he looked guilty, shocked that she knew, and even a bit concerned.
Then his facial expression went back to the indifferent mask she already knew by now and he asked :
"What do you mean?"
That's it.
She stood up furiously from her previous seat on the desk and shouted :
"Don't act so innocent! I saw you in that coffee shop yesterday, talking like you were best friends. How could you do that?"
Now he was the one responding calm.
"I don't have to act innocent, I am. Because it is no crime to meet someone from school and have a chat with them. In fact, that's totally normal. And only because you don't like him doesn't give you the right to keep me - or anyone else for that matter - from talking to him. You just can't stand the thought that someone might actually forgive him for his mistake"
That hurt.
Mostly because it was true.
But she was still angry at him, still felt betreyed and so she used the moment the teacher entered the room to hiss at him :
"You'll have to pick a side and if you choose him - well, don't come to me if he starts treating you like shit"
before walking around the completely terrified Sam and sitting down on her chair as far away from him as possible.
She regretted the ultimatum as soon as she had voiced it but now it was too late.
She could only hope that she didn't just losse a very good friend.

December 16th

"Sam, I'm really sorry that you're in the middle of this, but don't try to reconcile us, okay?"
Ilea felt horrible. She never ment to push Till away and especially not for Sam to be torn between the two of them in her good nature of wanting everybody to be happy.
"Ilea, just listen to me for a moment, would you? Till never wanted to betray you or whatever you think this is! I know he only ment well! He would never hurt anyone"
Sam was close to tears, her eyes reflecting the light a dozen times through the little droplets of water forming in their corners.
Ilea wanted to hug her, to make her stop being sad, to tell her everything would be allright -
but that would be a lie.
She was still angry at Till, even if right now all she wanted was for him to forgive her and talk to her again instead of just sitting on the seat next to her but acting as if she didn't even exist.
But she also knew that she screwed up.
Nontheless, he was the one who had to apologise and before he did Ilea couldn't comfort Sam because right now, noting was okay.
"How could he mean well? How could he possible think I'd be okay with this?"
She sounded tired. They've had this discussion about a million times in a hundret variations and it always ended in Sam telling her that Till meant well.
Well, seemed as if Sam wouldn't keep is that way because now she concidered Ilea's normally unanswered question with a nervous side glare at her brother who still pretended that the girls belonged to the background of falling snow.
Then she took a deep breath and finally said :
"He meant well for me. He told Josh not to play with me the same way you've told me not to fall for him....Not that either of that would have been necessary"
She added eagerly, her eyes locked with her brother's who'd looked up in surprise and seemed to want to say something but at his sister's gaze he simply nodded.
"What?" was Ilea's late reaction.

December 17th

They were standing in front of a huge house.
For some reason Ilea had always imagined sam and Till to live in a normal, small flat, just like herself, but apparently she'd been wrong.
Till had invited her over to reconcile after the whole Josh-thing and so now she stood outside his house, waiting for him to find the keys in the deeps of his backpack.
When she walked in, the house looked even bigger than from outside - the hallway guiding them to a nice living room with stairs going upstairs and an impressive kitchen next to ot.
"Wow" she breathed out while letting Till take her jacket.
"Your house is beautiful"
He smiled shily, obviously a bit emberessed by the size of their living location, and mumbled:
"Yeah, well, dad 's woring for the government and they won't let him rent anything normal"
She giggled at that and followed him into the kitchen where he made them a cup of tea.
Afterwards, they went upstairs to his room, which was just as big as one would have expected but still very cozy, dark blue curtains hanging from the walls making it appear like you were floating through the nightsky.
All the while they had been talking about school and parents, about small, easy stuff, but not about the one thing they really needed to discuss.
So now was the time.
Sitting down on a soft, white sofa and gestering for her to do the same, Till started the difficult conversation:
"Okay. We have to get this out of the way."
"I agree" She nodded, waiting for him to take the next step.
He waited as well, seemingly hoping for her to begin, but then sighed and said:
"Fine. So, as you know by now, I never intended to turn against you or anything"
She nodded again, her gaze down at the cup in her hands in guilt.
"but even though I kind of understand it - you still completely overreacted"
He smiled at her, expression his wish for this to be a frendly conversation and not any sort of accusation.
"Yes, I know" She didn't look him directly in the eyes, letting her gaze wonder around his room instead while searching for the explenation he was obviously awaiting.
"I don't really know what to say. To be honest, I don't even know what happened to my brain. But I somehow got...scared...when I saw you two together"
She finally met his eyes and was confronted with confusion.
"Well, not really scared. More like...I don't know...afraid? That you'd choose him?"
"What is it with you and this 'choosing one side'?" His voice only sounded partly amused.
She sighed, rolling her eyes at herself.
"I don't know! you see, we've been together for one and a half years, so naturally we had a lot of the same friends who'd only spent time with us as a couple or at least got to know us as one. So after the breakup, there really were a lot of people who had to choose. And since we didn't tell everyone what exactly had happened..."
She took a sip of her tea to cover the break in her voice at this thought.
"...quite a few chose him. I mean, most of them wanted to stay friends with both of us, but... he is the social one after all. The one to go out with, the one to do sports and make plans with. So at the end of our relationship I didn't only loose him, but also a lot of my friends. And I guess I overreacted because I was afraid the same would happen with you...."
She looked at him sadly.
"I'm really sorry"
He smiled a bit awkwardly, petting her leg while saying :
"It's okay, I understand why you would think that. Just come and talk to me about things like that the next time, okay?"
"Okay" She smiled back.
"Great" He breathed out "So...what are you gonne do on christmas?"

December 18th

"Did you talk to your dad yet?"
She asked when she walked up to Till who already set at their desk.
After they had sorted out the problem yesterday, they talked about their christmas plans and he told her he'd like to visit his mother over the holiday but didn't know how to tell his dad.
He shook his head.
"Wasnt the right time yet...He's always so busy at this time of the year"
His eyes were sad even though he tried to sound indifferent.
"Plus, I'm not even completely sure what to ask from him"
Ilea set down next to him, leaning her backpack against the table and her back against the radiator.
"Well, that you want to visit your mother over the holiday"
When he didn't look at her she raised her eyebrows and added: "Right?"
He fought with his own words, hands massaging his tights nervously.
"Yeah...I guess. But I'd also like to...you know...for us to..."
"To celebrate together? As a family?" She stopped his stuttering, her voice full of emphathy for his difficult situation.
"Yes" he breathed out, thankful for her understanding but at the same time ashamed of his stupid overemotional and totally unrational thoughts.
"But that won't happen, so I guess a visit will be fine"
He was back to his old lighthearted 'what-ever' behaviour that Ilea knew to identify as his mask by now, so she decided not to give up.
"And what do you think Sam wants?"
His sister was his biggest weakness, he'd do everything for her to be happy. And they both knew that Sam didn't take their parents divorce easily, that she still hoped for a happy ending.
Ilea studied Till's face while he looked at his laughing sister in the middle of the classroom. It was hard to read his thoughts, but at least he obviously did think about her words.
"You could ask your dad" She said softly, making him look back at her again.
"He can't do more than say no....And maybe he'll even agree"
He didn't answer but she saw a determination grow in his expression and smiled.

December 19th

The three of them set at Ilea and Till's desk, talking about nothing in particular.
Outside, the snow had stopped falling and the white blanket covering the world was brightened by the warm light of the december sun, making the ground shimmer like a million crystals.
inside, the classroom was filled with the smell of verious hot drinks and the sound of quiet laughter since veryone seemed to be in a good mood.
Sam, Till and Ilea were no exaption.
They looked out of the window every now and then, smiling at the beautiful picture before getting back to their lighthearted conversation.
At the moment, Sam was talking about her first training session with the local basketball team she'd had that wednesday. She was wildly gestering with her arms and the other two laughed at the desription of her teammates - until Sam stopped.
Before they could ask what was wrong someone cleared their throat behind them. Ilea cursed the person in her mind before turning around slowly, forcing herself to keep that smile on her lips present.
"Hey guys" Josh said, not looking at any of them.
"Hi" She answered shortly.
"Eh...Ilea" He looked at her nervously, still not meeting her eyes.
"Could I maybe talk to you?"
She raised an eyebrow before reacting with : "We're kind of having a conversation here"
She noticed him eyeing the siblings helplessly as if hoping one of them would convince her otherwise but they both stayed quiet.
"It'll only take a second" He tried again.
"Well, then it can't be that important" She said, already turning back to Sam.
Josh stood there for a few more moments, seemingly unsure of what to do, before he sighed and went back to his desk.
Till looked after him, then at Ilea, and asked : "Have you guys ever had a proper talk after the breakup?"
She was surprised by that but answered easily : "No, and there's no need to"
Till locked eyes with his sister for a second. Then he turned back to Ilea.
"Listen, I understand that you don't want to talk to him...But maybe you should hear him out. Maybe what he wants to say is important"
She shot him an angry look.
"What? you think anything he could say would make up for what he did?"
Till put his hands up in defense, leaning away from her a bit.
"No! No, of course not. but maybe it would explain it. I just think that listening to him wouldn't do you any bad"
She stared out of the window, taking in the view of white diamonds falling down from the trees and into an ocean of their kind.
She answered calmly, quietly:
"I don't want any explainations. I want to turn back time and be happy again. But nothing he'd say could make that happen, so there's no reason for me to hear him out"
And so they didn't talk about Josh any longer.

December 20th

Her room was filled with christmas music, the sound of bells ringing in her ears as she finished wrapping another present.
There already was a small tower of beautiful packages to her left, all of them shining in red or golden paper.
To her right stood the big back with the rest of them that read 'Don't touch' on the front in fat red letters just in case her parents decided to come into her room when she wasn't there.
She grinned when taking out the next one - an electronic mini-massaging-machine for her dad - and started humming along to the music while cutting the red paper in size.
After that one she grapped into the back blindly, taking out a small box - and stopped.
She had forgotten about this one. Banished the memory.
But now that she held it in hands the tears came streaming down her face.
It was the one she had bought for Josh nearly a month ago now even though it felt like ages.
She had seen the small copper neckless in a shop window in the middle of november, the one black ring at its end grapping her attention, and so she bought it for Josh to replace the old silver one on his jeans that fell off at least once a week.
That had been five days before he told her.
And now it was back.
She set on her fluffy green carpet, one hand holding the box while the other one clinged onto the soft material around her as if that would take her back into the happy christmas mood.
It didn't completely work - of course it didn't - but at least she managed to wipe the tears off her cheeks amd put the box back into the back, taking out a present for her granddad instead.
She turned up the happy music a little bit in order to let it work its magic on her and forced a smile onto her lips before getting back to wrapping the present.
The box stayed untouched by her hands - but not by her mind.

December 21st

She was back at Till's place again, comfortaly sitting on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate in hand and some self-bought cookies in front of them.
There was no real reason why she was there other then her own silent flat and the fact that he had answered the phone this time.
So today they were simply enjoying each others company while listening to christmas music and talking mostly about Till's old hometown.
He told Iläea about his school, his mum, his friends - even his ex - and she just listened, watching his eyes go bright at the memories. She was about to ask him if he liked to go back there when the bell raang. Till was surprised since he didn't expect anyone but got up anyways to welcome the visiter.
While he walked downstairs Ilea also heard the door to Sam's room open, follwed by more footsteps on the stairs. She couldn't hear them at the door but when they came back Till hissed :
"I told you she was here"
If at the visiter or his sister, she couldn't tell.
Then he opened the door to his room where Ilea still set on the sofa, greeting him with a curious smile.
"So? Who was it?"
He looked as if he was in pain before he opened the door wider to give the view on Sam and Josh standing behind him.
Ilea held on to her hot mug.
"Oh....hi" She said at noone in specific.
"Eh...We wanted to go to the christmas market since Josh hasn't been yet. I asked him to change that to tomorrow but it seems as if he didn't get that text..." Till stuttered apologisingly.
"You could come with us" came Sam's hopeful voice from behind him.
"No..No, it's fine. I should go anyway - got some presents to wrapp. Have fun"
She smiled at them, setting her mug down on the little coach-table.
Her hands felt empty at the loss of warmth.
"Well, I'll bring you to the door" And so she and Till walked down the stairs, not saying a word until they reached the front door and h helped her into her jacket.
"I'm really sorry. I tried to change plans with him. I really did."
"it's fine" She smiled her most honest smile. "I shouldn't have assumed you to be free today. Plus, you've spent enough time cheering me up - and we already agreed that you can hang out with him as much as you want to. I'm not angry."
He didn't seem completely convinced but smiled back and huged her before letting her out into the cold.

December 22nd

When Ilea came home from school that day she heard multiple voices from the kitchen.
Putting down her backpack she walked towards the noise, trying to understand what they were saying - until she heard a familiar laugh.
Her grandma.
A big smile creeped up her lips and she quickly walked into the kichen where her parents and grandparents stood together in joyful harmony, all of them with a glass of wine in their hand.
She loved her grandparents.
Sadly, she didn't get the chance to meet them that often since they had moved into a smaller house near the cost, but she was always happy to chat to them on the phone.
And now they were here, seemingly celebrating christmas with them.
Her grandmother had put down her glass to take Ilea into her arms and greet her with a long hug while he granddad layed his warm, big hand on her sholder lovingly.
"What a wonderful surprise" She smiled at them after having cuddled for a while.
"Well, we just couldn't stay away from our favourite grandchild any longer, could we now?"
said her granddad jokingly and laughed his deep grizzly laugh.
"I'm so happy that you are here"
"We are happy to be here, too, my love" agreed her grandma.
"And now tell me - How are you? How are things at school? How is Josh?"
At the last one she saw her parents' smiles fade and make space for a concerned expression but she stayed cheerful and anwered :
"I'm good! Ive got some great new people in my class. But Josh and I broke up. How are you?"
And her smile grew even wilder at the realisation that the words didn't hurt as much anymore.

December 23rd

"Oh, they are lovely! You have no idea!" Ilea told Till who seemed amused by her excitement about the new christmas guests.
"I believe you, they sound amazing" He grinned at her, closing his notebook in which he had just finished some last minute homework.
"So, are you completely busy tomorrow chilling with your granny?"
She giggled at the phrasing and thought out loud :
"well, we'll probably go to church at eight and have dinner and the real celebration afterwords...I'm not sure what we'll be doing before that all day long"
"Would you like to come over for a little christmas brunch? We'll be at mum's place until new years so it would be the last chance to have a proper celebration together"
He smiled his charming smile that made you feel like everything was so easy, so she answered without a second thought :
"Sure, that sounds nice"
"Great"
And that was when his expression got a bit more serious.
"But...Eh...Josh will be there as well"
He looked at her in a concerned way, expecting an angry reaction, but instead she just shrugged.
"Well, it's not my prefered way of celebrating - you know, with seeing my ex and all - but you guys are friends with him as well so I'll survive it. And I surely won't let him ruin our last day of this year"
He responded with a rather surprised but also very proud grin before taking into a small hug that supported her decision even more.

December 24th

Christmas!
Ilea woke up to the smell of gingerbread coming from the kitchen downstairs. She put on her white slippers and an oversized christmas jumper and trotted down in hope to lick the baking-bowl for breakfast.
Her mum greeted her with a kiss on the forehead and an amused "Look who's awake" in the direction of Ilea's grandma, who stood at the sink with a bag of flour in hand and shot the recipe a confused look.
"Good morning love. I made you breakfast" She ponted at the bowl on the dining table and gave her grandchild a mischievious wink.
After Ilea helped her grandma to save the cookies, took a shower and changed into a green and white christmas outfit, she said goodbye to her family and started the winter walk over to Till's place.
The big house was brightened up by fairylights and when Ilea came to the wooden door she noticed little christmas angels standing in the windows, looking up to her with their cheerful smiles as if to vanish the last hesitation regarding the presense of Josh.
The door opened at the second note of an unfamiliar christmas song that had started when Ilea rang the doorbell and a happy Till greeted her, his smile filling up his entire face and making his eyes shine like the crystal snow around them.
"Hey Ilea! Uhh, I smell cookies" he grinned while opening the door a bit wider to let her step in but stopped mid-movement, smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
She grinned back and asked : "What was that for?"
In answer he simply pointed above them where she then saw a mistletoe hanging down from the ceiling. She laughed before following Till inside.
"Sam and Josh are already upstairs. We've got some apple-tea there, is that okay or do you want something else?"
"Aplle-tea's good" she said, taking off her shoes and jacket while handing him the box of cookies.
Then they went upstairs to Sam's room, which was layed out with a gigantic purple carpet on which's centre Sam an Josh set at a small white table with colourful cushions as their seats.
It looked cozy, her bookshelfs filled with vanilla candles and the small table prepared for their brunch with tea and sandwiches and cookies. Yes, it did look very cozy, and so Ilea ignored the whispers in her head telling her not to sit down at the same table as her ex but made herself comfortable with a small bunch of cushions.
"This looks amazing" she smiled at Sam to her left and after a second of hesitation she also turned to her right to greet Josh.
"These do, too" said Till while sitting down opposite of her and placing the now opened box of gingerbread an the table, not without taking one out first. He grinned, bit of the tiny man's head and let out a muffled sound of amazement at the aprikot-jam in its middle - her grandma's secret recipe.
Josh grinned before taking one as well.
"Are grandparents in town?"
"Yeah, they're staying over christmas" And, after swallowing the bitterness in her throat, she added:
"Granddad's quite sad you two won't continue olympia this year"
He gave her a sad smile. "Yeah, me too...even though he probably would beat me again"
And for a moment the two of them laughed together at the good memories theyve made.
Then Ilea noticed the siblings watching their conversation, Sam with a hopeful smile, Till rather curious and a bit confused, so she explained :
"The cookies are from my grandma. And Josh and my granddad play...used to play the olympia of Super Mario whenever they visited us - and Josh lost nearly every time"
"But only because I can't practise at home while her granddad does noting but practise all year long! He probably doesn't leave the TV for more than an hour" came Josh's amused devense and the other two giggled at the thought of him loosing against an old man.
After that break of the ice the conversation flew easily.
The siblings told them about the plans with their mum - they couldn't convince their dad to come with them - Josh ranted about the difficulties of finding a christmas present for his younger sister and they all enjoyed the food.
At one point, the tea and the pate with Sam's cookies were empty and Till and Josh went downstairs to get some more while the girls continued chatting.
When the boys had been gone for ten minutes Ilea started wondering what took them so long but Sam just blamed the old kettle. After twenty minutes however, Ilea went to see what they were doing and Sam followed her. "We can't let them eat all the cookies alone" was her giggled explenaition but Ilea shushed her, hearing angry voices coming from the kitchen.
As they walked down the stairs the voices grew louder and clearer until she could make out some words.
"I can't do this any longer! If you're not ready then just..." "No"
Josh's voice continued as a whisper.
Ilea shot Sam a confused look but she didnt take off her eyes from the kitchen , her expression one of concerne and hesitation.
Ilea wanted to ask her what was wrong, if she knew what was going on, but that was the moment Till's voice grew louder again : "Then tell her!"
"I can't" "Why not? She'll understand! You know Ilea, you know she'll understand that..."
She couldn't take it any longer.
With one step she stood in the kitchen door, another one and she was facing the boys aho looked at her in shock.
"Understand what?" She asked, not sure wether to be angry or not.
Noone answered but she heard sam enter the kitchen as well.
"What shall I understand?" Her calm voice sounded nearly agressive in its forced patience.
Till didn't answer but looked at Josh, waiting for him to explain and when his eyes were met he gave him an ancouraging smile, nodding his head slightly until Josh sighed.
He locked eyes with Ilea.
"The two girls...you know...the ones I met when we were still a couple..."
He still couldn't say the words out loud but his expression kept her from getting angry.
He looked scared, Helpless.
"Well, they weren't actually girls...."
Silence.
"Okay" was all she replied since it was the only thing she could think of.
"So?" She was confused. Very confused.
"I think...I mean...I guess" He breathed in deeply, gazing over at till before looking at her again.
"I'm gay"
The words took a while to make sense in her mind but when they did it hit her.
"What?" There was still no anger, but the patience was gone as well.
"I'm gay...I dind't think about these feelings when I was with you but when that guy kissed me at the party...well...and then I met that other boy and he liked me...it was only one date and it obviously didn't work out ....but"
"You're gay"
"Yeah" His face was the mask of a forced smile, painfull, unreal.
"So, we ere a lie?" That thought hurt.
"No! No of course not! I do love you"
He stepped closer, his hand reaching out to comfort her but he stopped it before touching her.
"To be honest, I don't know what we were. I've never felt that way for a girl. and everything I said and did was real. I meant it all. But the love I feel for you is different....I can't explain it, but when that guy kissed me...it was like fire"
Whe swallowed the tears. "What did it feel like to kiss me?"
He hesitated, then he kissed her on the cheek. "Like a summer rain. Lovely. Good. But not passionate"
She couldn't hate him. He looked at her with so much fear, so much hope.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"As I said, when we together I didn't think about it. I thought it was right. I thought I was right."
He looked down and it broke her heart.
"And when I realised I wasn't...that there was something wrong...something else...I was scared."
He looked at her again, defeated.
"I was afraid of what you might say. Of how much it would hurt you. And...as long as I was with you I could ignore it..."  "Until you couldn't anymore" she ended his sentense.
"Yes. Ilea, I am so sorry" his voice wasn't more than a whisper now.
Without a second thought she was hugging him, drawing him closer, silencing his sorrys.
"You should have told me" She said, letting go of him but leaving her hands on his sholders.
"The truth is a lot easier to understand than your lie. It's easier to forgive."
He wasn't crying - he never did - but she knew he was close.
"Thank you"
They smiled at each other, exchanging their last words of love without saying them out loud.
Then she remembered something.
"If that guy was just one date and you never had anything going on with Sam then were did that hickey come from?"
Josh immediatly went bright red...and Till did, too.
"No! You?" She couldn't stop a laugh coming from her lips "I don't believe it"
"Well..." Till started, his hands nervously fiddling with his shirt until Josh took them into his own.
"When I first visited, Sam did flirt with me"
All eyes went to Sam, who still stood in the door and hadn't said a single word yet. Now her cheeks went red and she giggled : "What? He's good-looking"
"Anyways" josh drew back the attention on his story. "Till seemed to realise that I was more interested in him than in his sister so he asked me about it...I couldnt say it just then but he helped me accept it"
Till turned his gazed from Josh to Ilea.
"That day you saw us in the coffee shop we were talking about it, too. I wanted to tell you but that would have meant outing him when he wasn't ready yet. I'm sorry..."
She nodded to show him that she understood and Josh continued.
"When I told him how I felt but still couldn't say the words out loud he came out to me. He told me about his past relationshipd and how he first realised it. And then I said it. And he kissed me as a reward."
He grinned, letting his thumb wander over Till's hand.
"We kind of just went from there. Sam was kind enough to cover for us because I still couldn#t tell you - or anyone else for that matter - but Till..." he looked at the boy next to him and Ilea couldn't help but smile at the adoration in his eyes "...he was amzing. He listened and explained and so I fell for him"
Till leaned in and kissed his nose.
Then he turned to Ilea.
"When I noticed that you started to forgive him I wanted him to tell you the truth so that it wouldn't come up later and start the whole thing all over again. I knew he wasn't quite ready but it was an important step to take....That's actually part of the reason you are here today - plus the fact that we'll miss really miss you over the holiday" He grinned at her and she smiled back.
"Okay" She breathed out "So you two are a couple?"
The boys nodded.
"And you didn't just cheet on me but came clean with your true feelings and were too afraid to voice it?"
Nodding again.
"Okay. Good."
She scanned herself for any harsh feelings, for anger or sadness, but all she could find was relief.
And so she smiled and said : "Now, are we having a brunch or what?"
Two hours later, after cheerful chatting and joking around, Ilea announced shed have to leave now and Josh agreed to go home as well, so they all helped Sam carry the plates and mugs downstairs before putting on their jackets and shoes and stepping outside where the december sun blinded them with its reflexion on the shimmery blanket of snow.
Ilea kissed both Sam and Till on the cheek and wished them a wonderful time with their mum and a happy new year.
Then Josh hugged Sam and stood in front of Till, seemingly unsure how to say goddbye in front of the others.
Till however grinned his mischievious grin, winked at Josh and looked up.
And when Josh followed his gaze he started to smile as well, because there it was:
The mistletoe.