December 1^st

As Chris and I entered the classroom, my gaze automatically found Ilea's table and stayed with her whilst we walked over to our own seats. She looked sad, her dark eyes fixed on the snowflakes falling on the other side of the window, their frostiness matching her own expression. It was unusual to see her that way, to look at her soft face and not find it brightened by the trace of a smile hanging on the corner of her mouth.
Lost in her reflection among the dancing crystals I nearly missed my desk and, stumbling into my chair very gracefully, I received nothing but a raised eyebrow and a knowing grin from Chris who took a quick look at Ilea as well before saying: “Looks like your princess is more of an ice queen today, huh?”
I tried to keep my expression as annoyed as possible but couldn't help a small smile cross my lips at the phrase 'my princess'.
“Oh, look at you, all doofy and smitten,” Chris proceeded, bringing a blush to my face that I immediately hid inside of my backpack as I started to take out my books. My best friend laughed at this obvious attempt of escape but let the topic drop to spare me any further embarrassment. Not that there was actually anything to be embarrassed about – we have had way more in depth discussions about my decade-long crush on our classmate. But still. Ilea was my kryptonite and Chris knew it – and used it against me whenever the situation presented itself.
Speaking of which: “You know, you could finally talk to her now that you actually stand a chance!”
My confusion must have been very obvious – Josh and Ilea had been an item for nearly two years now – because Chris immediately added: “You know that they broke up, right?”
I nearly choked at the breath I had just been taking, my brain apparently unable to take in this new information without shutting down all life-supporting functions first. So as my friend tried to get me to breathing again I could only stare at the girl by the window a few rows in front of us in utter disbelieve, my mind repeating over and over again WHAT?.
“Sorry, I figured you'd be the first to know,” came the further explanation as soon as I was able to fill my lungs with air again. “They broke up a few days ago, not sure why but I heard rumours that there's another girl – and by the way Ilea's gaze is burning those snowflakes I'd say there's some truth to the rumours.”
Ilea was single. For the first time in one and a half years she was single. WHAT??
“So, are you gonna talk to her?”
I couldn't answer. I was overwhelmed by the question and all its consequences, but it echoed on and on in my head: Was I?

December 2^nd

The first time I had ever noticed Ilea, we had been in the 6^th grade and she stood in front of me in the line at our school's cafeteria.
It was pizza day and even though I knew that there weren't many vegetarians in our year I saw that the only veggie option was already nearly gone – and then Ilea took the last piece.
I don't remember whether I looked particularly disappointed or let our my frustration in some other way but suddenly this girl, whom I had never seen before but who had the kindest eyes I had ever looked into, turned around and handed me her plate.
“I'll have pizza for dinner anyway.”
That was the first thing she ever said to me.
I had been so surprised that I couldn't even thank her but ever since, her smile stands out to me in every crowd.
We haven't had much contact since that day, a few greetings in the hallway and a kind smile here and there, but from this first interaction on she has had me enchanted.

December 3^rd

When I awoke the next morning, my window was still covered in frost flowers but the sound of consistent drops promised rain instead of its white cousin.
I was about to force myself out of my warm cocoon of blankets when I noticed the notification light on my phone blinking. So I grabbed the welcome distraction and cuddled deeper into the sheets again before opening the text from Chris.
“Don't forget to tell your parents that we're going christmas shopping today!”
A grin spread over my lips – my best friend really did know me well.
Because of course I had not only forgotten to let my parents know that I'd be home late, but also that we had plans for today in the first place.
What would me and my weak mind do without Chris?
After a few more lazy minutes in bed, I finally put away my phone and got up to face another cold day that would consist of damp clothes and probably the consumption of way too many hot drinks.

And indeed, six hours later Chris and I stood in the middle of the shopping centre, airconditioned warm air blowing into our necks and each of us holding a cup of coffee with varying sweet syrups.
“Okay, so we've got something for both our mothers and for one of my brothers – whoever likes it best. Any ideas for your sis?”
I was about to turn towards the shop where Lilli had recently pointed out a skirt she loved when my gaze got caught by something else: A head of light brown hair in a ponytail, some strands of it coming loose above her chocolate coloured eyes.. Chris, noticing my abrupt distraction, followed my gaze and I heard a suppressed sigh next to me before Ilea's voice overshadowed every other sound around me.
“Oh, come on,” she said to someone I couldn't see through the mass of people that filled every corner of the centre, “this one really isn't that bad. You saw the blinking fairy lights in the window over there, right? Compared to them, these ones are almost pretty! And look at that adorable penguin! It looks like he's floating on stars with the candles around him!”
I saw her eyes light up as she and her companions laughed and then their little group turned around and was lost in the see of shoppers again, but I was already on my way to the shop they had been looking at.
She was right – the penguin in the window really was quite adorable, its wings spread out in a dance-gesture and the scarf around its neck a cute snowman pattern. An idea crossed my mind but before the excited smile could even begin to form on my lips, Chris caught up with me and interrupted my thoughts: “No! Honestly, you cannot buy her that penguin for christmas! Especially not when you refuse to talk to her. Come on, let's leave before you get any more stupid ideas.”
I let myself be dragged away, but over my shoulder I caught a last glimpse of the happy little penguin and with Ilea's laughter playing in my head I left the shopping centre.

December 4^th

“Could I talk to you for a sec?”
I saw Ilea grab the new girl's arm and the two of them disappeared through the classroom door, leaving a confused Josh, a surprised Till and a worried me.
Would they fight? Was this Sam girl Josh's new girlfriend? Had she been the reason for the breakup? Had Josh wanted to make Ilea jealous? Was she?
None of those questions were answered when the girls re-entered the classroom about a minute later, Sam smiling and going back to Josh's desk and Ilea with a frown on her face and barely any words for her own desk-neighbour. Before I could continue to analyse the situation though, Chris' voice brought me back into reality.
“So I'm gonna spent christmas at your place again if that's okay?”
Quickly, to disguise my previous lack of attention, I nodded in approval and forced my focus on to our holiday plans.
This year would be Chris' third time celebrating with my family. Four years ago, my best friend had showed up crying at my doorstep and had slept on the floor in my room for a week before going back to a home that was suddenly fatherless. He had died of lung cancer and even though it had been a long time coming, Chris' mum still escaped every single holiday by spontaneously booking a holiday to some tropical island and leaving her three kids to look after themselves – which led my own mum to jump into action to assure with all her parental powers that my best friend wouldn't feel alone.
I knew that Chris was thankful for everything my family has done but I also knew that a christmas in a borrowed home with borrowed parents wasn't the ideal situation. And so we both spent every year's holiday planing secretly hoping our plans would be unnecessary in the end.
But that wish had yet to be fullfilled.

December 5^th

As soon as I got home I pulled a soft blanket over myself and walked around the house like a cuddly ghost for the rest of the day, only shoving my limbs out of this newly achieved comfort to gather a cup of coffee and some lunch before sitting down on the sofa to ponder the meaning of life, the necessity of coldness and – of course – a certain girl whom I had seen walking through the snow on my way home.
For a moment I had actually considered talking to her.
She had been alone so there was no one to embarrass myself in front of and I could have easily started a conversation by complaining about the cold. Maybe I could have even asked her to get a warm drink without it seeming too forced. We could have gone to the nearest coffee shop, maybe that nice, small one a little off of my usual route home where they serve those delicious lemon tartes. I would have paid for her drink – finally making up for that first pizza slice; even though I wouldn't have mentioned that, that would have sounded way too obsessive – and she would have smiled at me in that shy, kind way of hers that makes my fingertips prickle.
Maybe she would have told me about Josh and why they had broken up.
Or we would have talked about something basic like school and christmas presents.
Either way, we would have felt comfortable in each other's presence and somehow we would have started to cover really deep and personal grounds, she would have told me a secret – nothing bad, nothing tragic, just something she doesn't normally share – and I would have smiled, knowing that she trusted me.
We would have been so lost in our conversation that, suddenly, it would have been dark outside and she wouldn't say it but I knew she was afraid of the dark so I would walk her home and then, or her doorstep, maybe...
But no, none of that had happened, because I had turned the other way and left her to walk home alone, just like myself.

December 6^th

“Ha, won again!! You're gonna have to buy me some celebratory champagne or something if you don't stop loosing soon!”
Chris' laughter rang in my ears as I couldn't decide whether to grin or roll my eyes. Of course it was true – I was exceptionally horrible at Mario Cart today and it honestly annoyed me. Because, between the two of us, I normally was the one to do a little winner's dance on the sofa, as Chris did now.
Fed up with loosing I threw my controller onto the cushions next to me, which interrupted Chris' triumphant phase abruptly and only a second later I heard a thud to my left.
“Hey, what's wrong?”
The fingers wrapping around my wrist felt like handcuffs snapping shot – I didn't want to tell Chris about this. As much as I loved my best friend, when it came to Ilea I had already received enough eye rolls to get the message. Chris thought my crush was stupid and I was sick and tired of justifying myself. So no, I didn't want to talk about it.
But now I had made it obvious that there was something on my mind and would have to explain my mood. Great.
“Come on. I'd love to say that I've just suddenly become a master at Mario Cart but you're obviously somewhere else with your thoughts....”
I shrugged, loosening the heavy grip around my arm in the process and tried to play it off. But there was no fooling Chris – we had known each other for too long to be able to keep anything a secret for long.
So I gave in and shot my best friend a telling glance. And, as expected, I was met with immediate understanding and a heavy sigh.
“Ilea.”
The hand left my arm completely and instead sank into the cushions, along with the rest of the body connected to it.
“Of course it's Ilea.”
I began to turn away, ready to move on to a more agreeable topic or to simply leave the room, when the words unexpectedly continued: “Listen. I know you've been in the same class as her for a decade now. And I get why you like her, I really do. It's just...”
Of course. Of course this was a lead up to another 'Let It Go' speech. And I almost got my hopes up that I might actually hear some encouraging words on the topic.
“How well do you truly know her?”
This time it was body slumping into the cushions. But Chris wasn't done yet.
“I mean, you've never even talked to her. I just think that maybe you're more into the idea of her that into the actual girl.”
I didn't even bother to come up with an answer – we have had this exact conversation before. So instead, I grabbed the controller again and pressed play, this time determined to be the first one to cross the finish line.

December 7^th

After the talk yesterday we hadn't talked much more and Chris had left my house pretty early, leaving me with the grumbling feeling of guilt in my stomach. So as soon as I woke up this morning I sent a quick text asking whether we wanted to bake some cookies since it was the first of advent.
It took no more than a few seconds for a big thumbs up to appear on my screen and I started getting ready with a relieved smile spread over my lips.

We hadn't even started the actual baking yet, but already the floor looked like the snow that had been steadily falling all weekend long had somehow found its way into the kitchen.
Additionally, the counter was covered in print outs of recipes which Chris had “decorated” with the words YUM or DELICIOUS in big, colourful letters – even though most of them were completely new to us.
I was completely focused on pouring the exact right amount of lemon juice into our mixture when I heard a small, insecure voice next behind me ask: “So, are we okay?”
As I looked at my best friend I was met with honest concern and the guilt in my stomach bubbled up again at the thought that I was responsible for that expression.
So instead of responding I wrapped my arms around that sad little creature and nodded strongly.

“Good.”

December 8^th

Josh was standing at Ilea's desk when I entered the classroom an Monday morning.
He was standing at her desk and they were talking – what where they talking about??
Someone was pushing against my shoulder, trying to get through, and I realised I had stopped walking and was now blocking the door frame.
Quickly, desperate to keep the incident as unobtrusive as possible, I hurried along to the safety of my seat in the back of the room. Chris wasn't there yet so I took my time unpacking, watching Josh and Ilea as she tried to avoid his eye contact. He was talking urgently, it seemed to be about something important.
Were they getting back together?
No, she looked to angry for that, they didn't appear even nearly happy enough in their conversation to be making up.
But then what was it?
Whilst I was lost in my failing attempts to lipread, someone set down next to me.
“You really are obsessed, you know?”
I knew I was supposed to react to that in any way, be annoyed or amused, maybe defend myself, but that was the exact moment that Ilea's desk-neighbour Till ended the interaction between the ex-lovers by taking his seat.
Did Ilea look relieved?
Did Josh say something else as he turned to leave?
I couldn't tell.
Either way, Chris wasn't completely wrong.

December 9^th

“Look, it's a princess!”
My little sister ran around the christmas tree that stood in the middle of the town square, surrounded by wooden booths and festive lights. She stared in awe at the ornaments hanging in between the artificial candles that gave the tree a warm glow in the beginning dusk.
It has been a tradition for this particular christmas market to add one new ornament to the already overflowing tree each year and from that from that developed the tradition for Lillie and me to find that little figure in the mass of familiar ones at the beginning of each holiday season.
“See, up there, next to the purple elephant from two years ago!”
I walked over to her side of the tree and let her show me the newly discovered treasure, amused by the story she started to make up about the delicate doll in yellow velvet – because that was part of our little tradition as well: All the ornaments had to be connected in one gigantic fairytale.
I held out my phone in front of my sister to record her enthusiastic chatter so that, later today, I'd be able to sort out the actual plot which I'd then add to our handmade story book.
As soon as she was done with her little tale, a proud grin on her face, we thought about where to go next. I knew Lillie would want something to eat, probably something very sweet, and sure enough she exclaimed “Let's get candy corn!” only a second after I had thought it.
I picked her up and spun her around in circles whilst trying to figure out which direction the smell of caramelised sugar came from and, as I spied the colourful signs of the food corner along one of the small paths, set my little sister back down, immediately taking her hand to keep her from dizzily tumbling over as I guided her towards our sweet destination.
Once she held a bag of her chosen treat in hands and a happy smile plastered over her face, I took some time to look around the chrsitmas market properly. Most of the booths were familiar to me. Some of the faces inside the wooden huts had changed but the themes were always the same.
I made out the corner where the drinks were sold, steam lying under the wooden roofs in thick clouds that spread the scent of chocolate, punch and a hint of alcohol. That was where we were supposed to meet Chris in half an hour. So we still had enough time to take a little stroll around the market.
Lillie already stood in front of a booth filled with beanies that looked like animals so I went to join her and afterwards we simply walked from one place to another, my little sister mostly attracted my bright colours, whether it were candles or jewellery.
It was as I trotted after her towards a stall with shimmering earrings that the small group a few meters away caught my eye.
My first instinct was to hide, which of course was completely idiotic, not only because Ilea ans her friends surely wouldn't care about my presence at all, but also because the busy amount of people passing by already did quite a good job of shielding me from view.
So instead of following this instinct, I guided Lillie towards the next well-smelling booth from which I could still keep an eye my crush whilst buying my sister and me a crepe to keep her occupied.
I watched Ilea talk to her friends, her hair falling in curls around her face which was brightened by a smile that made her eyes glow among the the dim shine of fairy lights surrounding her. She laughed at something Till had said and even though the sound didn't find its way over to me through the chatter of christmas shoppers, I still imagined the light ring in her voice.
“Aren't you eating yours?”
Lillie snatched the – already almost cold - crepe out of my hands and brought me back to the present.
“What are you looking at?”
She craned her neck, trying to find the centre of my attention but barely able to see anything apart from people's stomachs and loads of shopping bags, even as she stood up on the tips of her toes.
“What's over there?”
I tried my best to keep my gaze from wandering back to the group, but saw them making their way into our general direction.
“I wanna see, too!”
I sighed, torn between staying hidden from Ilea's eyes, as I was now directly in her line of view, and keeping Lillie from doing further gymnastic actions that might just end up breaking her neck. Eventually, I gave in and snatched up my little sister to lift her onto my shoulders.
“Yaay, now I can see everything! Aw, it's so pretty from up here!”
I couldn't help but grin at the giggling girl who's clumsy fingers were tightly wrapped around my forehead.
And then it happened.
Ilea caught my eye.
Our looks actually met and she recognised me. That smile of hers broadened and she gave a little wave, which I almost responded to before thankfully remembering that I should keep both hands were they were for my sister's safety. Instead, I only smiled back, though their little trio had already walked past me and Ilea's eyes lost mine a second later.
But still – she had seen me.
She had actually seen me.

December 10^th

The next morning, I showed up at Chris' house extra early to make up for yesterday – though when the door opened to a very grumpy face I suddenly wasn't so sure any more if my gesture would be appreciated.
“If your consequence of being fifteen minutes late is waking me up half an hour early I will have to take my forgiveness from yesterday,” Chris grumbled as I entered the living room, and even though I was pretty certain there was supposed to be a mocking undertone that simply became a victim of a lack of sleep, I still felt a new wave of bad feelings wash over me.
“Oh no, don't give me those puppy eyes! You know I'm joking. Really, you can keep the forgiveness, it were just fifteen minutes and I had warm punch while waiting and you had Lillie and...everything...”
Now the bad feelings turned into a knot in my throat – because Chris talked too much, forgave too much, joked too much to actually mean it. And I knew it was my fault; my fault that we were in this situation and my fault that my best friend felt the urge to let a light hearted expression facade what we were both painfully aware of.
“Stop moping, will you? It happens and now it's over and I'm too tired to deal with sad you right now.”
The knot tightened even further but I forced a small smile on my lips and apparently that's all it takes to clear the air – for now.
“Come on, I bet you haven't had breakfast yet either. Cappuccino?”

December 11^th

I was the first person to enter the classroom, Chris having called me early in the morning to tell me that I would have to go to school alone since some form of epidemic had befallen the entire family. So I spread out my books and notepad on the table in front of me and started to doodle on the edges of today's text. I knew I wasn't actually any good at drawing, but the repetitive motion of guiding the pen along the paper brought my mind to rest, loosing my tangled thoughts within in the lines.
By the time the first page was covered in little trolls and elves and my fingers came to a pause, another person had made their way into the room, surprising me when the previously unnoticed figure appeared in the corner of my eye.
She seemed absent, her eyes focused on the distance, her mind probably lost in tangled thoughts as well. There was a strange beauty in her stillness but it hurt me to think that her brain might be as crowded as mine – I didn't want her to suffer such profusion.
The room was still empty apart from the two of us and after watching her disappear in her thoughts for way too long, something inside of me snapped and before I knew it I was on my feet with the certainty that I would finally talk to her.
And then the door opened and the sudden determination within me faded.

December 12^th

What would have happened if Till hadn't entered the room in that moment?
Would I really have talked to Ilea?
Or would I have stopped half way over to her and continued to admire her from afar, only then with the actual distance through my failure?
And if I had reached her, what would I have said?
Since my body had overthrown my brain so suddenly, I hadn't had time to consider my actions, to create a plan or at least formulate a first sentence.
I could have very well ended up standing at her desk without any words, her staring at me in confusion, waiting for some sort of reason for my presence.
I might have made up some lie about the homework or needing a pen, but that would have not only shown my desperation quite strongly, but would have also resulted in the most irrelevant conversation ever.
Still, it would have been progress.
But even if I would have miraculously managed to do all that, to seem more or less normal, how would she have reacted?
She had been deep in thoughts after all.
Would she have been annoyed at the interruption?
Or ashamed at being caught with her mind so far away?
Or glad for the distraction?
I guess I missed the chance to find out.

December 13^th

I woke up feeling seasick. And right as I opened my eyes I understood where that feeling came from – namely my little sister jumping energetically up and down on my mattress, her feet miraculously missing my body each time they touched the ground.
“I wanna bake something!” Those were her first words as she noticed my being awake and I was tempted to simply throw the source of that high pitched voice off of the bed.
However, my muscles protested at so much as the thought of moving and when I caught a glance at my alarm clock and saw that it was barely 7am, I decided against any childthrowing so early in the morning. Instead I rolled over, closed my eyes again and hoped that Lillie would leave me alone once she understood that I wouldn't act as her playmate.
Of course, that plan failed miserably.
Only a few seconds after the darkness had befallen my vision again, I felt a small body crash into mine, Lillie apparently convinced that this was the next necessary step.
“Pleeaassee,” I heard her whisper-shout into my ear and this time my muscles weren't all too declined to the throwing-thought. But that would also mean a crying sister on my floor and that surely wouldn't help my sleep either. So I grumbled and got up, careful with every movement since Lillie still was curled up on top of me. But as soon as I was standing with both feet on the ground she started jumping again, this time in circles around me whilst I made my way downstairs into the kitchen.
How our parents didn't wake up at the laughter of this baking-enthusiastic little monster was a mystery to me – though they had probably been the ones to sent her my way in the first place. Thanks a lot.

December 14^th

On Sunday I decided to take a stroll through the still snow-white christmas market on my own.
I had spent so much time finding presents for my family with Chris' help that there was barely any time left to find a good present for my best friend. Though, to be completely honest, even now that I had the entire day for it, nothing seemed good enough.
I wanted something that said 'Thank you for being my friend' and 'You're a dork' both at the same time – but apparently that combination wasn't the in the usual christmas seller's stock.
After nearly two hours of picking things up that seemed almost perfect just to decide right before paying that they weren't any good after all, I decided to take a break, get some food and a nice cup of coffee, get my inspiration flowing again.
So I entered the next café I could find, a rather small building that was brightened by the light of a little christmas tree covered in golden decorations.
I stood at the counter, reading the menu of warm drinks with inhumane sweetness added into them, when the chair fell.
I turned my head quickly but it was already too late, all my eyes witnessed was the surprised barista standing at the abandoned table and the back of Ilea's head escaping from view into the crowd outside the café window. I debated running after her – to be her friend in whatever situation caused her to leave so abruptly – but before I could decide to move my eyes had already lost her completely. And as the girl behind the counter asked me what I wanted I accepted my idle fate in form of a vanilla latte with a sigh.

December 15^th

As we were entering the classroom, Chris telling me a typical 'my-brothers-are-monsters' story, I heard a loud voice coming from the window – and sure enough, when I turned my head towards the sound, Ilea was standing up with her expression somewhere between hurt and anger.
“Don't act so innocent! I saw you in that coffee shop yesterday, talking like you were best friends. How could you do this?”
Oh.
The coffee shop. Ilea had left because of Till? What had he done? And who was 'you'?
I had stopped walking again – my gaze fixed upon Ilea's friend who apparently didn't care much about her anger since he looked rather passive as he answered to her accusation – but Chris grabbed my arm and dragged me to our desk.
Of course, I still couldn't take my eyes off my fighting classmates, even as Chris continued talking, and my best friend noticed my absence rather quickly because not a minute later I was asked: “Are you even listening to me?”
I snapped my head around, forcing my attention off of Ilea with the intention to explain why I had to know what was going on, that I had been at the café and had seen Ilea's shocked reaction, that I wanted to help her somehow – but, as always, Chris read my mind and cut me off before I could even start the explanation.
“You know what, I actually don't care.”
And at my confused expression my friend continued: “Go on, stare at her all you want, I won't bother you any longer.”
Of course I heard the bitterness in these words and knew I should have protested, but Chris had already turned away from me with a book that suddenly seemed very important and the fight at the window was still going on – so I decided that there was nothing I could do about my friend's grumpiness right now and instead followed the advice to 'stare at her all you want'.
I didn't really find our what exactly had happened at the café though. Not before our teacher entered the room and ended all conversations.
I did, however, feel Chris' presence like a lurking shadow next to me for the rest of the day.

December 16^th

I rang the bell again.
Had Chris not heard the alarm clock this morning?
I spied through the window but there were no signs of life in the house.
One more time. Nothing.
I checked my phone to see if I had missed any messages that would explain why I was standing in front of an empty house. Nothing.
However, the numbers in the corner of the screen told me that I'd have to leave soon if I wanted to get to school on time, so I looked through the window again in the hope to find Chris asleep on the sofa or something like that, but when I was only met with dark and empty rooms again I sighed and turned around on the doorstep.
Fine, I would find out what was going on soon enough.

And I did – as soon as I entered the classroom.
Chris was already there, sitting among our classmates with no care in the world, not even looking up when I passed the doorway. But that wasn't what confused me.
What confused me was that the seat next to mine was empty.
My best friend hadn't set down at our usual table but at some random free space in the front of the room.
I didn't know what to do.
I couldn't walk up to this new seat and have a confrontation in front of the entire class.
But I also didn't want to walk to the back of the room all by myself, without any protest about what was happening.
The decision was made for me as out teacher entered and found me standing paralysed in the middle of the room.
“Take your seat, please,” was all she said but suddenly all eyes – except for Chris' – were on me and so I obliged her words and found my place at the lonely table at the back.
What had gotten into Chris?

December 17^th

Somehow, my best friend had managed to avoid me all day long again, giving me not a single chance to find out what all this was about.
So as soon as I got home I took out my phone and sent a rather angry message.
If Chris couldn't talk to me at school we would have to do it this way.
...Or not.
Half an hour had passed and there was still no answer, though I knew that Chris had gotten home before my, my way home being nearly twice as long.
Immediately, an image flashed through my mind of my not so friendly friend sitting on the big sofa in the living room, probably a cup of coffee in hand, and ignoring my message on purpose, with an evil grin spreading from one corner of the mouth to the other.
No, Chris wouldn't do that.
Though, with the weird behaviour from the past couple of days I wasn't so sure any more.
What was going on?
I sent another message, this time more concerned than mad, or at least that was what I hoped would shine through the words on the screen. I wasn't very good at texting, the pixelated letters somehow always seemed to work against me and twisted my thoughts around until the person on the other end of the wireless connection couldn't tell my true intentions from the things I had actually written.
But in this case it looked like I had no choice and I hoped that Chris knew me well enough to understand the message I was sending.
Apparently not, or at least not well enough to actually respond.
I tried it one more time, this time with a very simple “What's wrong?” but after another half an hour without any answer I gave up, throwing my phone onto my bed in an attempt to delete the failed re-connection from my mind as I tried to focus on something else – my homework, the presents I had to wrap, a stupid show on Netflix – but in the end I crawled under the blanket without any of those things finished and stared at the blank screen instead.

December 18^th

“Please sit at our desk today”
I sent the message the second I got up, hoping Chris would see the early hours of my contact as an additional convincement.
Apparently, it worked because when I entered the classroom my best friend set at the back next to an empty seat reserved for me. The smile that sneaked onto my lips at the sight probably covered my entire face, the worry of another lonely day that had been lying in my stomach for the past few hours finally being lifted to make place for the happiness of the two of us back together again.
However, the smile I was greeted with at our desk didn't match even half of my excitement – Chris rather looked cautious and the 'hi' I received as I sat down almost sounded like there was an unspoken expectation following this simple word.
I smiled again, as much as I could, with all my relieve packed into the mimic, and after a while of eyeing my expression Chris finally warmed up as well and before I knew it I was pulled into a tight hug.
“I'm glad we're back. It sucked having to ignore you to get you to care.”
Ouch. That hurt. That really hurt.
Have I truly been such an idiot?
It sounded to me like an overreaction – sure, I had been a bit absent, but to say I didn't care?
Still, I had missed Chris and so I pulled my best friend closer for a moment before letting go to flash that face-covering smile once more.

December 19^th

“Wake up! Wake up!”
Ilea's face changed, her soft eyes and curled up lips fading as the words she wasn't saying grew louder. Nonono, she had just been about to tell me something!
The dream collapsed around me and was replaced with the bright walls of my room.
“Come on, wake up! You'll be late for school.”
It took a few more moments to organise my thoughts in order to figure out where I was, why I wasn't at the christmas market with Ilea and my my mother was shaking me. Why was my room to bright? Sunshine. Sunshine?!
I looked at the clock. 8am.
Dammit!
Within seconds I was awake and up, my brain running on double-speed to figure out what to do first whilst my body was ready to do everything all at once if necessary.
“There we go! Okay, I'll make you some breakfast and your dad will drive you to school on his way to work – you've got 20 minutes.”
On her way out she ruffled my hair in that my-child-is-really-still-a-baby-way that parents tend to have in the least suitable situations, for example when fixing my hair twice was something I really didn't have time for.
I decided that 20 minutes was enough to have a quick shower and was already one my way, equipped with a change of clothes in hand when I noticed the notification light on my phone blinking aggressively.
Dammit.
7:00
“Where are you?”
7:15
“You are picking me up today, right?”
7:20
“You okay?”
7:40
“I'm leaving now”
8:00
“Where are you???”
Dammit.

December 20^th

It was a slow Saturday.
The entire family had taken the day off so we could all lie in and have a late breakfast together, something that was rather rare for us, which made each shared moment – even the most quiet meal accompanied by an orchestra of yawns – something special.
We talked a bit about the day ahead, considered going out together and do 'fun family stuff' but in the end decided to simply enjoy the opportunity to be in each other's company, to spend the day at home with everyone who belonged there.
So after breakfast mum and dad went into the living room to read a bit while Lillie and I were left to clean up the kitchen. I was about to put a plate into the dishwasher when my phone buzzed in my pocket, so I put the plate onto the counter in order to find out who's message had caused the noise that seemed so utterly unfitting in out calm weekend morning.
Of course, it was Chris. Who else?
“Hey, it's the weekend before christmas. You ready to get wrapping?”
I was a good thing that I didn't still have the plate in my hand or else I might have just dropped it.
I had completely forgotten about our little tradition.
For a second I actually considered lying, unwrapping all my presents and going along with the idiotic game of rewrapping every single one.
But then I thought that, technically, this wasn't my fault. After all, Chris had been the one ignoring me for the past couple of days so when I did my wrapping on Wednesday I couldn't have possibly known that we would be back on tradition-celebrating-terms by now.
So I responded “really sorry, but I already have them all wrapped up....you can still come over though!” and finally put the dirty plate into the dishwasher.