Hey, Page here.

So, there is this boy I really like; he is good friend of mine, maybe even the best, but for him I'm probably just a friend.
Since we've got different lessons at school - he's more the science guy while I'm a language freak - and we don't see each other that often anymore we started texting a lot.
And every time we're texting I've got this fancy fantasy that every girl has with their secret crush - or at least that's what the movies keep telling everyone. So this evening for example we were just chatting about what we were doing and other boring stuff so I told him about this girl I found on youtube.
Even though he didn't really react to it and I'm not even sure if he watched one of here videos, I started thinking about how he'd tell me that I'm just as beautiful and talented as she is and that I could do this vlogging-thing as well.

I'm having stupid little daydreams like this very often.

I once was on a train and saw a guy listening to music and smiling while hearing the sound of the familiar songs the same way I'd smile when the player starts my favourite song.
And from one second to the other, without any warning or reason, I saw myself stand up, walk over to him and ask him what he was listening to.
"Lightning in a bottle" he would answer, not even surprised by my question. "you probably don't know the song. Noone ever does" He'd smile and give me one of his headphones. I would take it and smile back while saying : "But I do. It's acctually one of my favourites" And then we would sit there, talking about music and afterwords about movies and books and other stuff. We would exchange phonenumbers when I have to leave. We would text a lot, he'd even call me sometimes even though I hate talking on the phone. We would visit each other and become best friends, just like Kurt and Mercedes from Glee with the difference that noone would fall for the other. He would become my cuddly pillow for rough times and I's teach him how to get the girl. In a few years time we'd travel the world and open a cookie-company in Brasil or Finnland.

And that's the moment when I woke up from my daydream, still sitting in my seat, the music-boy far away on th eother side of the train and all I've got is a strange look from my neighbour telling me that this is their stop and that I should get my backpack out of the way.

So, to come back to the real point of the story : I am an expert at absolutely wonderful and obviously impossible-to-come-true scenarios!

And that can be a gift as well as a burden.

Hi.

Page here.

I don't know where to start or how to describe this.

The thing is : I am about to do my A-Level.
That means a lot of stress, a lot of pressure, a lot of thoughts and questions and fears.

Mostly fears.

The fear of not passing the exams, of course.
But that is the minor one. And to be honest, I wouldn't mind another year to forget about my future and concentrate on life.

The fear of not knowing what to do afterwards.
Yeah, that's quite a big one. Still not the worst since I now have at least a bit of an idea where I would like to go, what I would enjoy working as, what is important for me in generel.

The fear of not reaching that goal.
Thankfully not that bad either because I believe that you can do everything if you really want to.

The fear of loosing the past.
Loosing my friends.
Loosing my ideals, my values, my inner child.

That's the one.

This fear keeps me up all night and follows me wherever I go. It became my shadow. It won't let go of me. It's starting to make me go crazy.
Most of all, it keeps me from enjoying the moment.

Out of fear to loose my friends I get nostalgic when I'm with them now.
I can't change anything in my room cause I'm afraid I'll forget how it was before.
I can't even begin to think about what I'm gonna do next year because I keep telling myself that this time of my life can't be over. I don't want it to be.

I am the happiest I've ever been. And maybe also the happiest I will ever be.

I have lovely, amazing, crazy, stupid, trustworthy friends and a good relationship with my parents.

What if I'll never find people like them again?

What if the distance or life come between us and in a few years we'll only say a short 'hi' when we pass each other on the street?

I don't want that to happen.

I don't want to be unhappy.

I don't want to loose my happiness.

Hey, Page here.

Let me tell you a story :

The first time I really liked a girl,
I was eight years old and I didn't know there was a difference.
We would play horses or witches or family, chase each other through the woods but never quite catch up.
We would hold hands and laugh and lay in bed together and it would be normal because we were friends and that's what friends do.
I would look at her with awe. Her eyes were stars and her hair was golden.
I didn't know that the way I felt about her was the same I had felt about the guy sitting next to me in primary school. I didn't realise that she made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
Until one day I did.
What I still didn't realise back then was that if I would have told anyone, it would have been different. It wouldn't have been 'aaww, the little girl has a crush on her classmate'. Or would it? I don't think so.

The second time I really liked a girl,
I was eighteen years old and I knew that there shouldn't be a difference.
We wouldn't talk that much, maybe smile at each other in the hallway or chat a bit after class.
We weren't friends, but that was okay, because we had been a long time ago and I knew it hadn't been anyone's fault that we weren't anymore.
Maybe we could have been friends again. We still liked each other.
But it wasn't the same. And this time I knew it. This time I realised how I got jealous when she talked about her boyfriend and how I held my breathe when she touched my cheek.
I also realised that it was different from the way I fell for my best male friend. Or at least that's what people would think. That it was a different feeling, a different situation.
And somehow it was. It always is.
But I didn't want it to be. I didn't want the people who'd know about it eventually to think I was different now that I had feelings for a girl, now that I was on the other side.
I didn't want them to react any other way then how they had reacted to my crushes before.
I wanted them to ask the same embarrasing questions and make the same dumb jokes.
And some of them did. Most of them did. And I love them for that.
But others didn't. They didn't judge me, or at least they didn't voice it, but they reacted awkwardly, in a way that seemed to say 'oh no, why did you tell me? now I'll never see you the same way I did before'.
Why is that? Why did I change in some people's opinion only because I liked someone?
That had never changed anything before. Or had it? I don't think so.

I had a dream.

Or more a wish.

I wanted to travel the world after school, find exotic places, meet interesting people, follow my heart.
I had a plan of being completely without any plan. Of just starting somewhere and seeing where life would take me. It was a nice idea. A perfect wish.

I thought I could be brave and wild and free. That my naive believe in the good would guide me. That I wouldn't fear anything.

Oh boy, was I wrong.

Hey there world, it's Page again.
And this time I'm coming to you not from the small village in northern Germany but from a bigger city in the south. But still the same country. Damn it!

So, after I had finished my A-Levels, I had quite a few ideas but there was one thing they all had in common : I wanted to leave Germany!

Why am I still here? I honestly don't know....Well, okay, I do : I got scared.
Hell, did I get scared!
And so I panicked and I cried and I did what I never wanted to do.
I went to Uni.
In Germany.

I had this perfect idea of me working in a bookshop in England, with holidays in Scotland and Asia, and visitors from home and nice British flatmates.
It was everything I ever wanted. In fact, it still is.

Shit, why am I here?

I hate it!

The people are nice, but they are all so...German.
The things I learn are interesting but they're all so useless.
I have no free time for creativity and speaking English suddenly became my homework.

I really should stop this nightmare right now and finally start to work on my real dream.

That's what I'll do.

At the end of this Semester.

Maybe.

Hey, it's Paige again.

The other day something happened that was magical, even though I didn't realise it at the moment.

When I was a kid, 5 years old, full of joy and exitement and happiness, my favourite movie was the Djungelbook. And I mean favourite as in I watched that movie nearly every day. Honestly.

Now I am an old teen, maybe even a young adult, fresh at university, full of insecurities and the realisation that life is damn hard.
And then it happened :
The bookshop on my campus had a sale of fairytale-books so I walked along the shelfs and found the one I didn't know I was looking for put that found itself in my hands before I could even think about it. The Djunglebook.

I bought it without hasitation, still not realising what just happened.

I put it up on my shelf, still blind to see the wonder.

I go do my homework and forget about it.

It was only when I sat in bed that evening, cuddled up in my blanket, hot tea in hand, laptop with a movie playing on my lap, that it hits me.
I just bought my favourite childhood movie at university!

It's like a circle that's closed, like a puzzle put together.

Because that's how magical life can be:
It will give you little wonders, little miracles, little reminders of happiness when you feel like smiling is just an impossible thing to do.
And it won't be somthing huge or amazing or special.
It will be something small, something you might not even notice if you don't stop for a moment.

So that's what happened.

That's what made me smile.

Because my inner child is still alive,is still smiling somewhere inside of me, full of joy and exitement.