December 1st

The first day.
Everything is so new – new town, new house, new faces.
It is weird to think that all those things always existed,that to them I am the new one.
And that this is supposed to be my life now.
Till seems fine with this change, his secure steps echoing from the hallway of our new school like war cries, ready to face any sort of obstacle, waiting to start the battle – or in this case, the lesson.
As we follow the teacher down the corridor I can't help but compare everything I see to my old school: The walls were whiter, the students nicer, the lockers bigger....
I miss it all. It seems so far away now, like an entire different life, a different world even.
Not that I'd ever say that, this situation is hard enough on everyone as it is, even without me being a little baby about it. Till knows, of course he knows. And I think mum and dad talked about it, about the affects on us – back when they still talked.
We reach a door that is already closed but the familiar humming of multiple conversations behind it suggests that everyone isjust waiting for us to enter. So we do.
I shoot Till one more nervous look which he answers with a reassuring smile before stepping into the room that is now filled with more or less quiet people looking in our diraction.
I try to copy my brother's smile and follow him but noone seems to care that I don't quite succeed.
I'm not used to this. Normally I am the confident one, the one going to partys and meeting strangers, the one speaking up for herself whileTill just listens. But now he is trying to protect me, to play the 'big brother' role – we are twins for god's sake!
"I'm sure you'll all welcome them very friendly," the teacher ends her little speech.
What a stupid thing to say to a bunch of young adults. I notice a boy with light green eyes grin at the words and feel a bit relieved – at least the humor here seems to be the same as in Minehead.
For a second he meets my eyes and smiles and I am about to get nervous again but luckily I get destracted: „Sam, why don't you take this seat right here?"
Great, the front row. Of course she had to choose me for the front row.
I watch Till walk over to his seat by the window next to a girl who is either very bored or not really awake yet, before sitting down myself and taking a deep breath.
Okay, at least this part is over. Only five hours to go. And then tomorrow. And the rest of my school life. I sigh and turn around in an attempt to get another calming smile from my brother but instead see him roll his eyes in a very frustrated way, trying to talk to his new neighbour. So not such a good start for him either.
I turn back to the front, but not before the guy from before shoots me another smile. This time I even manage to return it, if only half heartedly.
Alright, it's going to be okay. I just need to get my act together.
Only for today.
Only to make things easier for everyone else.

December 2nd

I wake up to ice flowers blossoming on my window and the smell of hot chocolate hanging in the air and I immedietly decide that today is going to be a good day.
I let the warmth of my fluffy christmas slippers tickle my toes before I get up, put on an oversized but really comfy sweater and make my way downstairs, always following the smell of melted sugar.
"You're up early," I greet Till as I enter the kitchen.
He is standing in front of the counter, a big wooden spoon in one hand and half a sandwich in the other, which I attempt to steal from him but due to sleepiness he has no problem keeping me away from his beloved food.
However, as he stirrs the steaming liquid he lets out a laugh and answers: "Too early for you, it seems." I grunt in response which is probably a sign of agreement and start to make my own breakfast - a strawberry smoothie and grilled cheese toast.
"So, why the hot chocolate? Do you have a secret christmas factory full of elfes you need to feed?"
Again, I made him laugh and I see that he's trying to come up with a funny answer himself but apparently he is not that awake after all because after a while he just shrugs and answers:
"Trying to win over my new desk neighbours ice cold heart. And you know what they say - the way to true love is..."
"....good food?" I finish for him, giggling.
"Not quite sure that hot chocolate qualifies as food but it definitely is heart warming. So you like her?"
"Don't know really. She barely even talked to me yesterday - hence the chocolate."
"Ahh, so you're not trying to win her heart but just her attention?"
"Kinda." He winks as he purrs the chocolate into three to go cups.
"Plus she seemed really...sad. I just thought this would be nice."
"It is," I say and give him a big hug. "It's also really nice that you made some for me, too."
And with that I take one of the cups and my food to head back upstairs.
Before I leave the kitchen though, Till says: "You're in a good mood today. Are you getting used to...things?"
He tries to make it sound casual but the concern in his voice is as heavy as the blanket of snow in our back yard.
"Yeah!" I answer, putting all the happiness I can into my words.
I don't want him to have to worry.
"In fact, I think I'm gonna make a new friend today."
"Anyone in mind?" He grins.
"Yeah. That cute guy with the green eyes sitting behind me. He smiled at me yesterday."
We both smile and I get to my room feeling the waight of the last few months lift off my shoulders.
Maybe I really will make a friend today.

December 3rd

"You still have some snow on your coat," Josh greets me as I sit down on his desk, his eyes following Till over to Ilea's table for a moment before his attention turns back to me in order to swipe my hair and clothes clean from the white traces left by the heavy blizard I just fought my way through.
I notice how his hand stays on my shoulder a bit too long afterwards.
I notice how he takes in my red nose, my dry lips, my white hands.
His gaze feels like warm water running over me, touching my every pore but leaving immedietly after.
I laugh to relief the tension this creates in me, to push for a lighthearted mood.
But still, I keep this moment in mind. I want to treasure it for later, for when Ill be out in the cold winter worls again and my body will be noone's centre of attention.
For now though, I want to keep it simple. I like the way he looks at me, but what I really need right now is a friend.
My hands are in my hair as they always are when I'm lost in thought and it's only when I start plaiding them that I realise I am so far off that I am not even lisening to Josh anymore.
He doesn't seem to notice as he is in the middle of a sentence and thankfully I return back into the real world in time to get that he is telling a funny anecdote - so I laugh.
I let my whole body laugh with me, let my head fall back, my eyes shut, my flying hands find a hole on his shoulders. It feels good to laugh like this again and I want to embrace it for as long as possible.
"So, did you check out that training plan I sent you?" He asks after the laughter died down.
"Yeah, I had a look at it yesterday - though I still think it's weird that you have seperate teams for boys and girls."
The topic came up yesterday when I had started my project of 'making a friend' by asking Josh about local basketball leagues - and ended up gicing him half of my hot chocolate.
We soon discovered that we share our passion for sports and so Josh volunteered to send me some links to good sports clubs where I could join a team.
"Well, I guess you'll have to get used to it," Josh says now. "It's probably just a way to prevent us tough guys from getting completely destroyed by you girls."
"Probably." I laugh again, something that seems to come natural with him.
"Hey," I put up a smile in order to prepare myself for what I'm about to ask.
"You want to come over to my place later?"
It's not like I never had a boy over - just none that I actually found atrractive and cute and...
I decide to cover my upcoming nervouseness by adding:
"You could tell me some more about those London Lions you are all so crazy about."
Now it is his turn to laugh and I am reliefed by how layed back he sounds when he answers: "Sure."
"Great. I promised by brother I'd do some christmas shopping with him after school but I think we should be done by... let's say four o'clock?"
"Sounds good," He nods.
So I write down my adress on the back of his notebook - right next to my phone number that found its place there yesterday.
I am about to start a new topic, maybe mention the blizward again, when the teacher enters the room.
But before I step away from Josh's desk in order to to get to my own, he clears his throat and murmurs: "What's your brother's name again?"
I am irritated by the question but since the teacher is already shooting me an annoyed look I simply answer: "Till." and head back to my desk, deciding to wonder about the way his voice sounded all frozen and nervous when we meet up later.

December 4th

The moment I wake up I feel sunshine reaching through my curtains and tickling my nose, pulling me out of my dreams in a very gentle fashion.
I smile at the warm light that fills my room and get up to let some more in.
The snow is still falling on the other side of the glas, the sun playing with it like a prisma, catching the little ice crystals in midair and letting them glitter like diamonds.
It is too cold to be barefood to I get dressed as quickly as I can into an armor of cozy socks and my favourite dark green jumper before heading downstairs for breakfast.
When I get to scholl my mood hasn't been darkened in the slightest by the embrace of the the bittersweet winter world so I greet Josh with a cheerful: "Good Morning!" and a big smile.
He returns the smile and immedietly starts talking about last night's Lions game that he made me promise to watch before he left our house yesterday afternoon.
"That judgement was so unfair! That dude was obviously bias!"
I try to remember any difficult judgements but cannot think of any so I decide to change the topic instead of questioning his passionate opinion.
"I've gotta admit, your team really isn't that bad."
He basically glows at this statement so I add:
"They've got some really good moves."
I obviously said the right things to get him started on the various technices and strategies the Lions use and before I know it we find ourself laughing at each other's impersinations of their best and worst players.
However, Josh's laugh suddenly stops dead in the middle of another impression and it is only when I follow his gaze over my shoulder that I see Ilea coming over.
Josh told me yesterday that the two of them had been an item until recently, though he did not say why they broke up so it seems quite normal that she doesn't excactly lighten his mood.
But I had a really good time with her when she went christmas shopping with me and Till so I decide to greet her friendly, too.
"Ilea!What's up?"
She surprises me by taking my hand and leading me away from Josh with the words: "Can I talk to you for a sec?" but again I just assume that she does not want to be around her ex so I shoot Josh an apologetic look and follow her into the hallway.
But then I see how serious her expression is, how her eyes try to look everywhere but at me and I ask: "What is it?"
"Well..." She starts and then, still not looking at me, she tells me I should stay away from Josh.
Surprise. Shock. Confusion.
"Why?" I ask and really hope that the answer won't some stupid fight over a boy I don't even like that way.
And it isn't. Instead she says:
"He cheated on me. And I think you should know this before falling for him."
She is looking at her feed while I think about her words.
And then I understand - and I can't help but laugh.
She is trying to help. She thinks I need to be protected and that I am head over heels for Josh.
I meet her eyes and the confusion in them brings me back to think moment, to the two of us standing in the hallway and me seemingly laughing at her, so I take a breath.
"Oh, Ilea, I'm sorry. I am so sorry he hurt you, but I am not falling for him. Listen, I respect that you don't want anything to do with him - I wouldn't either if I were you. But I have no intention of dating Josh and as far as I'm concerned he seems to be a really funny guy so I will continue talking to him - I hope we can be friends non the less?"
Her response comes a little too late but that nod and the fact that she is looking directly at me is enough to get me back into my happy mood so I nod as well and get back into the classroom.
Great.
Everything is great.

December 5th

We walk down the frozen streets leading to our house, Josh to my left and Till to my right, and for a moment I get lost in the comfort of their bodies shielding me from the sharp cold around us.
When Josh was over at my place the other day he heard me and Till talk about baking christmas cookies and offered to help so we invited him to come along today.
As we make our way through the cold wind that keeps throwing ice needles into our faces we warm the air by telling jokes and discussing which cookies to make.
The second we enter the house I go to make us some tea while the guys put on a fire in the living room's fire place. Soon the entire ground floor is filled with a comfortable warmth and the smell of chai tea interwined with burning wood.
Half an hour later we are already covered in flour and our tummies filled with cookie dough, the kitchen table packed with a colourful mixture of ingredients, burned cookies from our first try, half rolled out dough in various shapes and the beautifully decorated finished products.
We've got cheese christmas music playing in the background that is mostly drowned by our stories of past holidays and the laughter that accompanies them.
The fire place has lost its red spark a few minutes ago but now the oven keeps us warm while we watch the white winter take over the world from the safety of our kitchen and each others company.
"Who will even eat all these cookies?" I ask as I take the last tray out of the oven.
"I volunteer!" Till shouts jokingly and starts eating three cookies at once. All the while Josh watches his every move, just like he did before when Till tasted the various different icings.
It is not the same look he gave me, not as intense, but rather one of curiousity, of supressed wonderment - and I know that kind of look.
I know it because Till wore it a few years ago when he met his boyfriend Daniel, when he first started questioning what feelings really mean and what attrection should be like.
For a second I am paralysed by this discovery. Not because it is unexpected but because, no matter what I told Ilea about not wanting to date Josh, I did imagine what a relationship with him would be like.
But then I watch as Till locks eyes with Josh and I know that he knows - just like I know that this is about more than my silly little daydreams.
Because I remember what it was like back then, when Daniel denied Till, when he denied himself. And I wouldn't want anyone to have to be that scared of themself, including Josh.
So when Till is distracted by the strength of his apron's not on his back I head over to Josh and whisper: "You can tell him, you know?"
And when I receive a confused expression in response I continue: "About the way you think of him. He won't judge you, he never would. And neither do I, by the way."
There is shock in his eyes, a shadow of fear darkening that joyfull light they held just a second before and for a moment I think I did the wrong thing, that I scared him away.
But then he looks over at Till, then back to me and I see the corner of his lips twitch  before he nods and goes over to my brother.
"Here, let me help you with that," He says, guiding Till's hands away from the tight not to loosen it himself.
I grin at the two of them before teking off my own apron and heading into thw living room to get some more tin boxes for the cookies - an excuse neither of the boys seems to hear anymore.

December 6th

Dammit!
I have been out here for about half an hour now, searching for the building where I will hopefully find a basketball team I can join. But with this maze of monochrome, square blocks placed into streets that all look the same under the cover of thick snow it is impossible to make out the one I am trying to find.
Especially since I have never been here before.
I have no idea where I am and after it took me nearly an hour to get to this sports complex I will probably never find my way back home.
Stupid London.
Stupid London with its stupid tall buildings and its stupid colour coordinated tube system that tries to create the illusion of an organized city - why does this all have to be so gigantic?!
Back home I would have found my basketball gym with closed eyes, simply because there was only one and that was right next to the school.
I am about to call my dad to pick me up - although I don't really know where I'd tell him to come to - when I here a voice behind me.
"Can I help you?"
It sounds like dark honey, the kind that you use in tea to get rid of a cold and that makes the entire drink taste a million times sweeter.
I turn around to find a boy about my age, but at least 6 inches taller, his brown hair and chocolate mousse eyes a strong contrast to the white world surrounding us.
He raises an eyebrow and I realise that I am staring at him.
"Eh...yes, actually...," I rush to say, my cheeks positively blushing.
"I am looking for....well, to be honest I don't really know what I'm looking for. But the website said to go here to sign up for the basketball team, so here I am.."
I make a rather helpless gesture in the general direction of the nearest buildings and flinch as I hear how stupid I sound.
The boy, however, grins in amusement and says:
"You're obviously new here. But luckily for you I work for the sports center so I know my way through this maze - follow me."
I smile as he uses the same metaphor for this place that I thought of earlier and do as he said.
"I'm Toby by the way."
"Sam," I respond. "No offense, but aren't you a little young to work here?"
It's the first thing I can think of to keep the conversation going and thankfully he doesn't mind but grins again before saying:
"Well, if you think so I probably shouldn't tell you about my two other jobs."
I stare at him with wide eyes and would have run straight into a bench standing by the street but Toby grabs my arm in time to draw me away from it - and thereby closer to him.
We stand still for a second, lost in each other's eyes and I am about to say something possibly really stupid out of nervousness but Toby is quicker.
"Come on, we're nearly there."
He's right, we only take a few more steps before he opens the door to the next building and gestures for me to enter.
We walk along the corridor to another door, this time an open one, and I step in behind Toby.
"Hello Mrs. Wilson. This young lady wants to join your basketball team."
I blush again at those words but notice the woman behind the office desk look at me so I say: "Hello."
"Thank you, Toby," She says, her voice surprisingly high for such a broad body.
"Alright, you will have to fill out some forms and decide which group to join. We've got three dates a week. Why don't you take a seat?"
She smiles at me and then turns around to take a stack of papers from the nearby shelf.
I sit down and turn around to Toby who is still standing in the open door.
"Thank you"
"My pleasure. See you around, Sam."
And with that he leaves the office and closes the door behind him, his distancing steps a silent repeatition of those last words.
See you around.
I hope I will.

December 7th

I am deep in thought, playing with my hair as per usual, my eyes following the drizzling snow behind the window without really looking at them, as I hear Josh and Till's voices downstairs.
I know that my silent wonderment is useless, my thoughts spinning around the questions of what is changing back in Minehead, if people miss me, of when I could go back and when this whole situation started in the first place - I've had the excact same thoughts a million times, my mind going through them like a script without ever finding an answer to any of them, so I decide to shut my brain down for a while and join the boys.
I follow their laughter into the kitchen where they disappeared an hour ago, saying they would make dinner since dad won't be home before midnight.
But as I enter the room I see something really different than cooking:
Josh and Till standing close to each other, their lips together, their eyes shut and hands interwined.
I let out a surprised 'Oh' and the second it leaves my mouth I want to slap myself - why couldn't I just stay quiet and leave, why did I have to stop this wonderful moment for them?!
Of course they jump apart - or at least Josh does.
I don't think Till is that bothered by my interruption, his hand still holding on to Josh's, his eyes only ackknowledging me briefly. But Josh looks terrified. His entire face is bright red and he obviously tries to think of something to say.
So do I, hoping to come up with something to make sure he's okay, to let him know that everything's fine, that I am his friend and that I am happy for him even if he cannot quite accept it.
I force a smile on my lips and say: "Sorry to interrupt. I just...I wanted to get something to drink."
Wow. Good job, Sam, that wasn't stupid at all.
I feel both of them watch me as I head over to the fridge and take out a bottle of water, then make my way back out of the kitchen.
When I'm at the door, Josh clears his throat and whispers: "You won't tell anyone, will you?"
I turn around, not to Josh but to my brother, who looks hurt by those words but tries his best to hide it behind an expression that I can only interpret as hope.
"I won't if you don't want me to," I tell him, meaning both of them.
I see how Till breathes in, how he presses Josh's hand and then breathes out again.
He shakes his head. "Not yet."
"Okay." I nod and give Josh a reassuring smile, trying to let him know that I mean it.
"Then I won't.....Now, how about I leave you to it?"
They relax, Till even let's out a chuckle and I do as I said and get back upstairs.
The kitchen stays silent.
I think they will be okay.

December 8th

"Ilea, come on, we're running late!"
Gosh, I know! This is the third time he said that - or rather shouted it, so that he can stay downstairs, already in his boots and jacket.
And I know we are running late, I know it is my fault - but Till really has no idea how difficult it is to find the perfect outfit on the first day of your period. Everything is either too tight or too baggy.
Finally, I just go with my favourite Jeans and a long-sleeve and cardigan combo.
"What took you so long?" Till rolls his eyes as I throw on my jacket and then we are on our way to school.
At first I liked the fact that our new house is so close to the school that we can walk there since it gives us the opportunity to catch some fresh air (as fresh as it gets in the big city) and our walk takes us through a really beautiful part of Hyde Park - but after a week of frozen feet, snotty nose and weird marks in my make-up in the shape of melted snowflakes I start to miss the warm school bus.
However, one good thing didn't change : I get some alone time with my brother.
Normally we just listen to music and keep the conversation on a every-now-and-then-a-few-words-basis, but today I am thankful for those minutes I get to spent with him.
"Till?" I begin.
"Yeah?" He asks and turns his music down.
"I just wanted to apologies again for yesterday. "
I know he isn't agry or anything but it would still feel weird not to mention it.
Plus, I want to know what happened after I left.
"It's okay, Sam. You couldn't know we...we'd...well, it's not a big deal."
He smiles, ending the conversation.
A few minutes we stay silent, but then I cannot take it any longer.
"But it is, isn't it?"
He shoots me a confused look.
"A big deal," I explain. "You said it wasn't a big deal, but it is. I saw your reaction when he asked me to keep quiet."
I can't tell if he is annoyed that I brought it up or that I noticed in the first place.
Still, he repeats: "It is no big deal. Really."
We are only a few feet away from school now, its white dotted walls blocking the horizon, so I stop walking.
I need to say this.
"I just don't want this to be Daniel all over again."
He stops as well, his back facing me like a great berricade. His shoulders rise and fall, his breathes are slow and deep. Will he run? Will he be angry?
I am about to apologies for words I am not sorry to have said but that's when he turns around.
His expression is calm.
"It's not."
Simple words. No anger. Hope.
"Okay," I reply.
We look at each other, me trying to decide whether he actually believes what he said and he trying to figure out if I do.
Then he turns around and we walk the last few steps towards school.

December 9th

I am in a wonderfully festive mood as Ilea, Till and I wander through the christmas market.
Ilea just talked to me about Josh and admitted that she does not hate him - which makes things a lot easier for me and Till - the people around us are finally relaxing and don't bother to be running around desperately trying to find christmas presents but take time to look at the lights that surround the market place like stars blinking in every direction you turn and the air is filled with the smell of hot chocolate and cinnamon.
It is beautiful.
I breath in, filling my lungs with the christmas-scented atmothphere and walk over to the next booth.
It is covered with earrings and bracelts, silver and diamonds shimmering in the embrace of a dozen fairylights. One necklace cathes my eye. It is a golden amulet, its front polished in a way that makes it look like frozen fire, the flames captured behind the shining surface.
I hold it up carefully, letting the delicate necklace run through my fingers.
"Till, Ilea, come look at this," I tell the others who stayed behind at the last booth and then I turn around to ask for the price.
It's only then that I notice a familiar face grinning at me from behind the accessoires.
"Toby!" I smile in surprise.
"And I thought you already forgot me." He laughs but I can sense some truth behind his words so I hurry to respond: "I could never forget the hero who saved me from the sports-maze."
We both laugh and just like three days ago there is a moment of complete focus, a connection that is stronger than words.
I know how Hollywood that sounds as I think it - but it takes my breath away.
But then Ilea takes the necklace out of my hand to have a closer look at it and the moment is gone.
Reluctantly, I tear my eyes away from Toby as Ilea tells me how pretty my find is.
After both her and Till agree that I absolutely need this necklace I give it to Toby who, instead of wrapping it in one of the papers laying in front of him, reaches into the abyss under the table and brings out a small golden box in which he puts the amulet.
As I pay our hands touch and it is like in the movies, the warmth of his fingertips burning on mine, his eyes looking right at me and seemingly seeing everything.
Again, it only lasts a second but as soon as it is over I know that I want it back.
I have never felt this way.
I follow the others to the next booth, my feet quicker than my brain and when I finally turn around, Toby already has new customers.
He appears to sense my glanze, though, for he lifts his head and looks at me, his lips forming a warm smile before he gets back to work.

December 10th

"Maybe there's a deamon inside and some great wizard had to lock it forever in order to keep humanity safe."
I don't even have time to recover from the tears of laughter running down my face as Till immidietly continues with his theories about why the amulet I bought yesterday won't open.
"Or maybe it is a geni and that guy from the booth wanted to keep the wishes for himself so he manipulated the lock not to open for...."
....'anyone else' would have been the end of that sentence, but Till doesn't finish it.
Instead he stares at the door and as I follow his gaze I see why: Josh and his friends just entered and Josh's got a new accessoire - a hickey.
I look at Till who seems unable to close his mouth but still hasn't let out another sound.
Then I see Ilea's confused expression and pray to all the gods I can think of that she won't turn around. Of course, the gods do not listen.
For a few seconds there is no reaction from her, just a tense silence and the air of feelings going wild.
Then, for some reason, Till decides to find his way back into the present and says: "Shit."
Just that. No attempt to comfort Ilea, no explenaitions or distractions. Just his broken voice describing this broken situation.
"Yeah. Shit." Ilea repeats.
Two people in pain and me in the middle.
My hand reaches for Till without even thinking about it, I just need him to stop looking so...so...confused? Sorry? Angry?
Before I can comfort him he gets up.
"I'll let you two talk about it, okay?"
And with that he is gone, left the room without looking at Josh.
And I stay behind to take care of Ilea.
I open my arms for her to lean in to, give her my luke warm Chai Latte and start by explaining: "He's not that good with that kind of stuff."
Then we spent the remaining time until the teacher enters talking about the snow, the market, our christmas plans - everything but the hickey in the middle of the room; while all I can think about is that Till won't come back today.

December 11th

Till doesn't want to talk to me about yesterday, every time I mention it he changes the subject.
But as we leave our classroom he tells me that he is going to go home with Josh to talk things through.
I could be angry at him for not telling me sooner but I am too happy that they are trying to care about anything else. Plus, I want to go back to the christmas market anyways.

"So, this is your second job."
Toby looks up from the earrings he was rearranging and grins at me.
"Actually, this is my first job," he answers, opening the small door at the side of the wooden booth to let me in.
I am surprised at how warm it is behind the table but then I see a heater standing in the corner, making the inside a nice change to the cold surrounding it.
"My mum owns this jewellery shop," Toby continues. "And since I've helped her out since I could talk this is my first job. The sports center was just a hobby for while and then they offered to pay me and I was just too polite to say no."
"Always the gentleman. And the third job?"
"Some weekends I help out at a record store. Mostly just organising stuff but sometimes I am allowed to pick the music they play in the shop."
"That's really cool! But why so many jobs?"
"As I said, this one is just the family business. And the sports center is more a convenience than a job since staff members don't have to pay for their training. And the record store...I don't know really....It just kind of happened."
"It just kind of happened?" I repeat, raising an eyebrow.
He laughs and I follow his lead, enjoying how close we have to stand in the small space between table and wooden walls.
"So, Sam. Any specific reason you are here today? Don't want to return that necklace, do you?"
His eyes travel to my neck where the golden amulet is placed.
"No!" I say. "I love it."
"Good. Because it looks really beautiful on you."
I blush and mutter a thank you.
"So, what is it then?"
"Well, as much as I like it - and I really do - there is something wrong with the necklace. The amulet won't open."
"Oh.. Don't worry, I can fix that, it'll only take a minute."
I take off the necklace and place it into his hand, then I watch him as he uses minuscule tools to loosen the screw.
I watch his hands work with precise movements, his eyes completely focused, his lips pressed into a thin line.
As he promised it only takes a few seconds for him to repare the amulet and I am a bit disappointed that I will already have to leave.
But then he takes a piece of paper from under the table, writes down a phone number, folds the paper into a tiny boat and places it inside the amulet.
As he stands up he catches me staring and winks at me before laying the necklace around my neck and closing it, his beath so close that I can smell he had mulled wine earlier.
He stays close and whispers: "I would love to spent the rest of the day with you, but I promised my mum I'd stay until 8 o'clock. I'm really sorry."
My heart beats so loud that I think he must hear it and all I can respond with is a smile.
"Call me?" He asks.
I nod as my smile grows even wider.
"I will," I say. And then I leave.

December 12th

"He doesn't want anyone to know. He even asked me to come up with some sort of cover story."
It is friday evening and Till and I are sitting in fron of the fire place, blankets wrapped around our legs and hot chocolates in Hand.
At first he didn't want to tell me about his talk with Josh but after the two of them kept avoiding each other all day Long I set him down and asked what was going on.
And now he is telling me about how insecure Josh is, about how difficult their relationship is, about how he hates lying to Ilea.
And all I can think is that this really is like with Daniel, the whole hiding and keeping secrets.
If Josh doesn't come out soon this might just end in horrible insults and broken hearts again.
And just like with Daniel I am torn between my care for Till and my empathy for Josh. I understand that this is hard on him and that he is confused - he has been in a pretty serious relationship with Ilea for one and a half years after all.
But there is one thing that is different with Josh. Daniel knew he was bisexual, he was sure of that - it was only his father who couldn't accept it. Daniel could have stood up to the person telling him his feelings were wrong for he knew there were not.
Josh however is unsure himself, he just isn't at the point of standing up for his feelings yet. But I think with some more time and support he will get there.
And as far as I know there is noone standing in the way of that.
So after long consideration I voice my thoughts:
"I think you should stay with him. Talk to him, show him how easy it is for you, let him know you're there for him. I think he just needs a bit more time."
Till's eyes don't leave the fireplace and I see his mind wonder, considering my words and what it would mean to listen to them.
Finally, he looks at me and says: "Okay, here's the deal - I talk to Josh if you call that Toby guy."
I grin, knowing exactly what he is doing.
He already decided to stay with Josh, if he wanted to leave him we wouldn't even have this conversation, but he knows that I might not call Toby.
I told Till about Toby this morning and while I talked I realised that I am in serious danger of falling in love with someone who actually likes me, too.
And Till noticed that as well.
He also knows that, as much as I enjoy spending time with Toby, the thought of a relationship scares me since I have never had one before.
I nod, accepting his little push in the right direction, and hold out my hand. "Deal."
He shakes my hand and says: "Alright. Let's fall in love."
I laugh at his direct words.
Then we just enjoy our cozy evening setting while each getting lost in our own thoughts.

December 13th

It is 12 o'clock, the sun burning down on a melting white mass, our house filled with cheery christmas tunes - and I am loosing my mind!
Toby will be here in half an hour to pick me up for our date. I am showered, dressed and mentally prepared with a list of interesting conversation Starters. And still, my mind is going wild.
I always pictured ym first date to be with someone I knew a very well, the sort of relationship that slowly develops out of a friendship, but this is very different.
I've met Toby barely a week ago and already I want this to go perfectly well.
Not only because it is my first date but because I think he might be the one. Not necessarily the one as in 'the one I will love forever and always' but the one with whom I could have my first relationship, the one to teach me what a romantic love feels like.
I run around the house, up and down the stairs, going into the kitchen without eating anything and checking my makeup in every mirror I pass.
And then it is 12:30. The bell rings. I feel like my heart stops beating.
"Hey," Toby grins as I open the door. Ah, there we go, my heartbeat is back!
"Hi" I try my best to sound confident but I don't even have to look at Toby to know that I am not doing a really good job with that.
"You ready to go?"
"Yeah, just need my jacket."
I use the second I am facing away from him to take a few deep breaths, then I grab my jacket and step outside.
Toby didn't tell me where we are going - even if he had I probably wouldn't know the place - so I let him take the lead and stroll along in silence.
My mind is racing, trying desperately to remember all the lighthearted chats I came up with earlier, but my brain is blank.
Thankfully, Toby breaks the quiet.
"Are you okay? You seem really...I don't know...nervous, I guess?"
Great. I think I prefered the silence.
I consider shaking his comment off, saying everything is fine, but I guess it will make things a lot easier for both of us if I just stick with the truth.
"Well, yeah, actually I really am quite nervous. You see, this is kinda like my first date...like ever."
"Oh." I cannot possibly read his exprssion but he is definetely surprised - I just hope not negatively so.
"Really?" His confusion confuses me. "Yeah."
Wow, this is probably the most awkward silence ever.
Finally, he shrugs and says:
"Alright, I better make it worth while then, dont I?"
We both know how forced our laugh sounds but it releases the tension and lightens the mood non the less.
The first few sentences after this are still a bit helpless but soon conversation flows easily , Toby telling me about his funniest customers at the christmas market and me talking about the move here and my Impressions of London. It only takes us ten minutes to get to the coffee shop Toby picked for our first date and even in the presence of a dozen chatty strangers our conversation creates a bubble around us, shielding us from the world outside, letting it appear like a blurry silent film rolling in the background.
When Toby drops me off at my place four hours later there is no nervousness awkwardness, just the warmth of deep understanding and the memory of an afternoon that is already one of my favourites of all time.
"So, was this everything you ever wished for?"
He isn't trying to hide how important my answer is to him which makes it even easier for me to respond: "It was. Even more, in fact...Thank you."
He does not  try to kiss me goodbye, the quiet smile we share enough to express our feelings for now.

December 14th

On Sunday morning I  awake to a text from Toby asking if I'd like to join him on his first day at the christmas market the he won't have to spent inside his jewellery booth.
Immedietly, I accept, pushing the thoughts of homeworks aside and instead focus on the wonderful feeling that hasn't left my stomach since yesterday - I wouldn't call it butterflies but I understand now why people would compare it to something that beautiful.

In the evening, Till and I sit in front of the fireplace again, each glowing from the events of this fantastic weekend.
Till tells me about meeting Josh, about Josh showing him his favourite coffee shop, about the two of them talking about their relationship as well as everything else.
And I tell Till about Toby, describe how he makes me laugh in a way that is childish and free, how he reached for my hand today and hesitated in order to ask whether it was okay for me. I look into the fire while I talk about this act of consideration and the dancing flames reawake the happiness this awoked in me, the warmth of his hand around mine.
And for this moment I wish to stop time, to keep this happiness with us forever.

December 15th

The classroom feels as cold as the world outside, the snow seemingly falling right through the windows into our laps.
I sit next to my brother since Ilea claimed my place earlier in order to get away from Till, but even with the distance between them I still feel like the tension, the angler bubbling inside each of them, waiting for a world or even just a look to burst out.
And once again, I am in the middle of it, understanding both sides but not actually being involved. So rather than to to try and talk to either of them - and possibly making things even worse than they already are - I decide to stay silent and instead focus on the good things in life. Such as the text I just received from Toby.
"Got another shift at the market after school and I already know it'll be completely boring without you here."
I smile as I read his words, my phone suddenly a unique treasure in my hands for it holds this message. Then I take a glanze at Ilea sitting in my chair in the front row, her eyes purposfully avoiding our direction, and I sigh before prelying:
"I'd love to come by but I've got some damage control to do - I'd rather be bored than in the middle of this mess."
I know it sounds quite whiny and for a moment I consider changing it but then I just hit sent, trusting that Toby will understand me even if he doesn't understand the context. And he does. Almost immedietly he replies:
"That really is a worse situation...but at least you still feel your toes. Seriously though, if you need any help..."
Again, a smile brightens my worried expression, his offer to help in a completely unknown situation a welcome act of support in this early stage of our relationship and his attempt to cheer me up a reason to let me forget my sorrows for a second.
I stop in my thoughts, stumbling over how naturally the word relationship came to my mind.
Are we in a relationship? I don't really know. It's only been two dates.
However, we did hold hands in public yesterday and his first text just now did imply that he misses me.
I stare at my phone, trying to find a hidden answer to my unspoken question in the space between his words.
I give up when the little envelope in the corner blinks to let me know I've got another message.
Toby again.
"What are you doing on Wednesday?"
I prostpone my relationship-thoughts and text back:
"First basketball practise! Yuuhuu!"
Again, there is some doubt whether this is too much or not enough but I just go with my guts.
"Well, if that isn't a reason to celebrate then I don't know what is. How about I pick you up and treat you to a nice dinner?"
Toby picking me up at the sports center where everyone can see us. Him holding my hand and offering to carry my bag. Us sitting in a nice restaurant by candle light.
That does sound an awefull lot like a relationship.
Before the panic that starts to rise in my stomach can take over my brain I type:
"That sounds wonderful, I'm in. Need some time to get changed from sports girl to fancy dinner girl though, so how about 7pm?" and hit sent.
"Great. I'll be there," comes the immediet resply.
I put my phone back in my pocket and spent the rest of the day daydreaming about the evening, about what I'll wear and where we might go, about what dinner with my maybe-boyfriend will be like - and the icy stares around me suddenly feel a lot less cold.

December 16th

I cannot take this silence any longer.
We are sitting in our usual places at the window, Ilea and Till in their seats and me on the table in front of them. However, nothing about this is as it usually is.
Till simply ignores Ilea - and consequently me as well - and stares out of the window as if the slowly falling snow was the most intersting he had ever seen while I try (and fail) to convince Ilea that he would never hurt her on purpose.
"How could he mean well? How could he possibly think I'd be okay with this?"
That is when I snap.
I know lying is never a good solution and in most cases it just makes everything worse but I cannot stand the sight of the two of them ignoring each other. So I blurt out:
"He meant well for me."
Both Till and Ilea stare at me, Ilea in confusion and Till with a mix of doubt and interest.
"He told Josh not to play with me, the same way you told me to be careful with him....not that either of that would have been neccessary."
I see Till shaking his head, informing me that he doesn't want to solve this by lying, but Ilea looks relieved. She wants to believe me, wants this fight to be over.
So I shoot Till a pleading glanze, my eyes begging him to go with it, and after a moment of hesitation he finally nods.
Just in time for Ilea to turn to him and ask: "Why didn'T you tell me this sooner?"
There is still some anger in him, some hurt pride, as he answers:
"Because we still talked. Josh told me the same thing Sam told you, that they are not dating and after that we had a nice afternoon. I still enjoyed hanging out with him."
I am worried that he just destroyed this new found peace, Ilea thinking about his words a bit too long, her expression a bit too doubtfull.
But then she says:
"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you didn't intend to become friends with him in the first place. Right?"
Till and I share a glanze.
"Right," he says and forceses a smile on his lips that is enough to convince Ilea of their reconciliation.

December 17th

I do feel a bit weird walking along the sports buildings in my pretty dress and high heels, but Toby walking next to me, wearing a fancy outfir himself, holding my hand and letting me go on and on about the basketball practise calmes me down and lets me forget about the funny looks we get from some of the people in sweatpants crossing our path.
Toby made reservations at a restaurant not far away so it only takes us ten minutes to walk there. He opens the door for me before we follow the waitor to our table.
After we make our orders he asks me: "So, do you want to tell me about that mess you were in the other day?"
I hesitate, not wanting to disturb this wonderful evening with such negative thoughts.
"I don't know. It's rather complicated and has a lot to do with like secrets and stuff I cannot tell you anyways....."
He nods in understanding, taking my hand that is lying on the table.
"That's okay. But just so you know, you can talk to me, even if it's just cryptic details. And I am sure you will figure out a way to solve this."
I flinch a bit at this reminder of my terrible lie yesterday.
"Yeah, we'll see. Anyways, this is such a great place, why don't we talk about something nice instead?"
He nods, but my words rather seem to make him nervous, his fingers twitching wround my hand.
"Are you okay?" I ask, putting my other hand on top of our interwined ones.
He looks at our tangled fingers, smiling absently before locking eyes with me and taking a deep breath.
"Yes. I'm great, actually. Which is why I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay. What is it?"
"Would you...Do you want to be my girlfriend?"
I am torn between gasping in surprise and laughing out of happiness so I let out a weird noise somewhere in between which results in a rather confused Toby.
Not wanting him to misunderstand my reaction I hurrs to answer: "Yes, of course I want to!"
Our smiles could probably lighten this entire restaurant.
Toby lifts my hand from the table to place a soft kiss on my knuckles.
When our dinner arrives we refuse to let go of each other which makes eating a bit difficult but s worth it non the less. We continue talking about everything and nothing, every now and then remaining silent in order to just look at each other.
If this is what every relationship is like then I think I finally understand what all the fuss is about - because this might well be the happiest I've ever been.

December 18th

It's when Till and I are doing the dishes, our dad already back in his office after dinner, that Till says:
"What do you think about celebrating christmas with mum?"
I put down the plate I was holding, keeping the towel though to occupy my nervous hands.
"I don't know. Did you talk to dad yet?"
"No. I wanted to ask you first."
"Alright. Ehm...I mean, I would love to see her again. And...I don't know, do you think we'd be in Minehead or would we go wherever she is then?"
"Well, she does still have that flat in Minehead. So I think that would be the easiest way."
"Okay. Because I do miss Minehead. And it would be wonderful to be back there with mum. So yeah, I do like the idea."
"Good. So....should I ask dad?"
"Depends. Do you know if mum even has time? Maybe she already made plans?"
"Oh, come on, you don't actually think she would make christmas plans without us, do you?"
"True. Okay, ask dad then. Although, we should probably make a plan for when to celebrate christmas with him."
"I thought we'd just do it on the 23rd. And then the 24th with mum."
"Sounds good to me."
"Okay. So I guess I'll talk to him. Sometime..."
"Soon."
"Yeah. Sometime soon."

December 19th

We are gathered around the small coffee table in the living room, Josh and Till on the couch and me cuddled up in the big armchair to their left.
Josh brought applepie, Till made hot chocolate and the lazy winter sun drizzles its light across our faces.
We spent some time doing our homework but gave up on that rather quickly in order to chat about everything that comes to our minds; funny and interesting, related and random - but somehow we ended up talking about Ilea again. I don't know how we got there or who mentioned it first but suddenly the cozy air makes room for uncomfortable looks between the three of us. I am certain that Till already told Josh about my lie, probably in a way that doesn'T present me quite as guilty as I actually am since Josh doesn't appear to be mad at me, but the problem of our weird position between the two exes remains unresolved.
Of course, the easiest way out would be for Josh to come out, to just end the secrets, but it only takes one look from Till to keep me from voicing those thoughts.
"I'm sorry you had to lie for me," Josh breaks the tension, his hand entangled with Till's but his eyes avoiding either of us.
"No, I'm sorry I made up such a stupid story. I could have solved this without lying all together if I'd thought about it just a bit longer, let alone with something that idiotic."
Josh meets my glanze and there is a silent acceptance between us, both understanding and forgiving the other's actions.
"Anyways, thank you for beeing patient with me. Both of you."
The way Till and Josh look at each other could melt the ice covering the entirety of London, their eyes completely lost in their opposite's present for a moment.
Josh breaks away first, placing a soft kiss on Till's lips before turning back to me and saying, the previous seriousness absent from his voice now:
"So, Sam, Till tells me you've got a boyfriend?"
I smile, following his change of subject.
"Yes. Toby. He is wonderful!"
And just like that, the warm coziness finds its way back into our living room.

December 20th

Toby's hand around mine holds a feeling of comfort and security as he guides me through the masses of people in woolen hats and bully jackets towards a booth that steams from molled wine kettles.
I stay at one of the few tables spread out around the booth while Toby goes to get us two cups of molled wine.
Whilst we stand and drink, we observe the people around us, amking up stories about them and about what they are looking for at the market. The wine warms my body while Toby's contagious laughter warms my heart, and the fairylights glittering all over the market give this moment a dream like flair.
I turn away from the lights over us to face Toby, who is already watching me, an adoring grin on his lips. I smile back at him, about to ask where he wants to go next, when he leans in closer to me. It takes me a second to realise that he is about to kiss me and another one to lift my hand to his chest.
He stops immedietly as my gesture holds him back, his expression hurt, surpised, sonfused.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm just...not ready yet."
I let my fingers glide from his chest to his shoulder, my thumb caressing his neck while I wait for a response.
"Okay" His voice is unsure, his eyes still reflecting how unexpected my reaction was. But he tries to be understanding.
"I'm sorry," I repeat.
"No, don't be. It's okay." This time I can tell he really means it.
"Okay....Ehm...Where do you wanna go next? I saw some glass figures somewhere last week..."
"Sounds good. I think they were over there."
He takes the lead towards the next street of booths as I follow him, taking his hand as I catch up.
Looking at his profile I see him react with a relaxed smile, the confusion finally leaving his features as he entangles our fingers even closer.

December 21st

"I told you Ilea would be here! Don't you read my texts?"
I stand next to Josh, who already looks like a hurt puppy, and watch my brother spit his anger over us.
Of course he is right. If Josh knew Ilea was already here he shouldn't have come over. However, the two of them did make plans to go to the market today and he told me three days ago how much he was looking forward to it. So maybe he had hoped Ilea would be gone by the time he got here. Or that Till would sent her home once he saw Josh - which is kind of what he did.
But now that Ilea is gone Till's annoyed expression takes over, his furious words a weapon against Josh's hope for a nice afternoon together.
Before Till can sent Josh away, too, I step in.
"Hey, calm down. He obviously feels bad about it, so let it go, okay? You made plans to go to the market so why don't you just do that?"
Till doesnt seem convinced, but at least he doesn't reject my idea right away.
Josh on the other hand has that look in his eyes, the wishful one that's afraid to actually believe.
"Okay. But do you want to come with us?"
I am surprised by his request and Josh's reaction tells me that he is as well. But maybe this really is not the best time for the two of them to be alone.
So I wait for Josh's nod of approval before agreeing to join them, prepared to keep any fights or reminders of this one away from them.
On my way out I quickly text Toby that I cannot make it to our date today due to - again - damage control and ask if he wants to reschedule.
When I don't get an answer ten minutes later I am rather disappointed but my job as a mediator keeps me too busy to get worried about that.

December 22nd

During the entire school day my eyes are glued to my phone, anxiously awaiting a response from Toby to one of my texts but nothing happens.
At the sound of the last bell I make up my mind.
I tell Till I'll see him later before I rush out of the school, hurriedly making my way through the groups of kids standing together and chatting about their weekends.
The market is about twenty minutes away from my school and when I get there ym lungs are frozen and burning at the same time, my heartbeat racing like crazy from running half the way down here.
As I turn the corner and the jewellery booth comes into view I stop my steps, forcing myself to catch a breath before I go over there.
"Toby?"
The immediet happiness in his eyes only lasts a second, then it makes place for something else, something I cannot quite identify. Maybe it is distance. Maybe anger.
"Hi" His voice sounds cold, his eyes not actually looking at me. "What's up?"
He talks like I am an old aquaintance, not his girlfriend.
"What's up with you? Did something happen?"
"No. It didn't. But that's okay."
"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on...."
Of course that is the exact moment an old lady decides to want to know everything about one of the silver rings, and in exchange she gives away an overwhelming amount of information about her granddaughter, the possible receiver of the gift.
While she is talking I stand at the side of the booth, trying to look at least vagely interested in the earrings that are displayed there.
Toby doesn't look over once.
Finally, the lady decides to take the ring and after she payed and wished Toby a wonderful christmas we are alone again. Or at least far enough away from the other christmas shoppers that noone will hear me say:
"Okay, what's going on here?"
I am not sure if my words actually confuse Toby or if that is just my own feelings reflecting in his eyes but at least he does sound a little less distanced when he answers:
"Well, you don't want to be with me anymore. I get it, you can stop pretanding."
And at my horrified expression he adds: "Right?"
"What?! Why would you think that??"
Okay, apparently some people did hear that for they turn their heads in our direction. I lower my voice and repeat: "Why would you think that?"
Now he definitely is confused.
"You...you cancelled our date yesterday. Without a real reason.....And...well, you know. You didn't want to kiss me," he stutters, his eyes finally seeing me.
I let out a sigh. "Oh gosh, Toby!"
Then I walk to the side of the booth and knock on the wooden door. He opens and before he lets me in I give him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Once the warmth of the heater surrounds me I take Toby's hands and start to explain:
"Okay, first of all, I am really sorry about yesterday. There was a kind of emergancy situation with my brother's relationship - it's a long story and I still cannot tell you, but I promise I will as soon as I can. And about the kiss..."
I hesitate, searching for the right words.
"I told you on our first date that I have never dated anyone before. And I also never had a relationship before and, well, I have never been kissed. And I really, really like you, I do, and I do want to kiss you. But I am just not ready yet. I have to get used to this. To us. And I am so happy that there is an 'us'! I really just need some more time. Is that okay?"
He looks down at our hands, his thumb drwaing little circles on my fingers.
Then he locks eyes with me again and smiles.
"Yes. I'll wait. And I am sorry for overreacting."

December 23rd

I can barely concentrate on the present I am unwrapping as Toby's arm around my shoulder gets all my attention, my heartbeat following the slow riseing of his chest, my eyes harly noticing the present but rather watching him watch me.
This is why I originally protested against us opening our christmas presents today. I didn't want to be watched whilst receiving my first boyfriend's gift - and more importantly, I really don't want to be here when he opens mine later.
When the wrapping paper is finally concered I take out a small boy and a CD. I look at the CD first - it's a mixtape with christmas songs.
"For the journey to your mum's place," Toby explains and I grin, thanking him with a kiss on the cheek. Then I open the box. In it is a pair of beautiful golden earrings with polished surfaces matching my necklace.
"They are perfect. Thank you so much."
"You're very welcome." He smiles into my hair as he places a kiss on the top of my head.
"Now, shall I open yours?"
I look up from my presents, the nervous grumbling back in my stomach as I take my gift to him from the coffee table in front of us.
"Okay. Here you go."
At first he tries to open it one handed but as he repeatedly fails - also due to our skaing laughter at those attempts - he lets me slip out of his embrace.
I bite my lip whilst I watch him unwrap, my mind already racing through different ways he might react, all of them ending up with him being either disappointed or shocked.
However, when he finally holda the concert tickets in his hands, his eyes shine with excitement and his lips wear a childish smile.
"I can't believe you remembered."
He looksa at me and it feels like he sees a different person - not the 'me' he met a few weeks ago but the 'girlfriend me', the one who knows his favourite band and just gave him two tickets for their next tour.
At first I was only looking at the website for fun, just to see where they will be playing. I never imagined I could afford a ticket, let alone two. But thankfully, Toby has quite a unique taste in music so his favourite band is not that overpriced. So I just went with it.
But one worry remains...
"It's in three months though."
"Yeah, I know." His tone suggests that he has no idea what I am getting at.
"That'S quite a long time....I mean, a lot can happen in three months."
Realisation hits him and I see the flicker of surprise cross his face before he smiles and responds:
"Sure. But I think three months is the perfect amount of time for a couple to wait before they go to their first concert together. That way we will be comfortable enough around each other for me to dance and sing along wildly and for you to judge me and laugh at how untalented I am."
He grins and I let out a chuckle.
Somehow the image his words created is exactly what I need to calm me down. So what if I made plans for us in three months. It will work. We will be fine.
I lean back into him, his arms immedietly closing around me again.
"Thank you," he whispers.
I know I will have to leave soon to go back home and make christmas dinner with my dad but for now I just enjoy his warmth surrounding me and the idea of us in the future playing in my head.

December 24th

I sit on my windowsill, my bags for our trip to mum on the ground next to me, as I open the letter.
It was lying on my breakfast plate this morning and when I asked whom it was from, dad and Till just shared an amused look and stayed silent.
The envolope is empty except for my name, but in it are a beautiful christmas card and a print out of the photo Toby and I took in front of his christmas tree yesterday - small enough to fit into my amulet.
I wrap my blanket closer around my shoulders before I begin to read.

"Dear Sam,
 before I begin I want you to know that this is the first time I write such a letter so sorry for my bad writing.
Sam, when you gave me those concert tickets I realised something. Because the worry of us not being together in three months time, the idea of something happening to break us up until then - it didn't even cross my mind.
I know that we just got together and that everything is always rosy and happy in the beginning of every relationship, but I don't think that's it. I think that - and I really hope this isn't too soon - I am falling in love with you.
I know you are still insecure about all of this because it is so new to you, but I want you to understand that it is new to me, too. Yes, I have had relationships before, but it felt different.
With you, it's like it has always been this way.
I don't know if that makes any sense to you but it is the only way I can describe it.
And that is why I overreacted so much when I thought you didn't feel the same way.
It is also why I will happily wait for you to get used to us.
There is no need to hurry because we've got all the time in the world.
For now, I just enjoy every moment we spent together and am already looking forward to see you again when you get back from your holiday.

Have a great time with your mum.
Merry Christmas,
Toby"